Not Speaking

 My husband has not told me that he loves me in nearly 2 weeks. And I haven’t said it to him either. I don’t even know what he is mad about it, but he is cold and distant and pretty much nonexistent. And this is the longest it has gone on because I just cant bring myself to ask. I try and talk to him, and touch his feet at night with mine to remember that he is there, but I can’t initiate. I am rooted in something stronger than fear.

Exactly two weeks ago I had a terrible depression day, after several days of build up. I was honest with him and told him before he came home from work. He came home and was weird to me, like he was tired of dealing with me and didn’t want to rock the boat at all. And then he saw a letter for his mom that he opened and was from a man that she had been having an affair with. Him and his dad were pretty much aware that it was going on, but seeing a confession of love from this man brought up old feelings and he shut down even more. Things have been rocky since and then the following Monday he was just not there. He came home from work and told me "It sucked" when I asked how his day was and would not elaborate. And now here we are.

Thing is, I have been struggling for so long. Only having so little of his support and very little patience when it comes to me, where I am, and he only ever wants more, more, more from me. It’s hard to meet everyone else’s needs when mine are not being meant. Oh yeah, and then there is that self loathing thing. Why would he want me? And even though I feel that way, why does it hurt so much when he doesn’t? 

So before the unraveling began, I started looking for a therapist, made a few calls, did research on the internet. I am not entirely sure why I am so nervous about this, but I am. And I wanted someone who knew how to deal with extended postpartum depression. And specifically a Christian. It is pointless to me to talk to someone who does not believe in approaching things they way that I do. So, I made an inquiry last week, and talked with a consultant who helped me find someone who seems right, and takes my insurance. The challenge was also finding someone who could see me in the evenings after Scott got home so I didn’t even have to rely on finding someone to watch the kids. My first appointment isn’t until Monday.

So the goal is work on me, fix me, so that I can be better for my marriage and kids. In the mean time, what do I do? Not talking to him has not made anything better, and every breath I have taken in the last week feels like I am fighting for oxygen. I can’t sleep and do not care about anything. I am functioning and going through the motions because I have to, because no one else will. And more importantly, because I can’t let him win this. 

God, help me. I am terrible.