Update

 Ian was supposed to have a doctors appointment this morning, but it got rescheduled until tomorrow, so I decided to take this block of time that I had set aside to write here. I’m a little panicked about this switch of appointment time. Today was perfect because it didn’t interfere with Salem and school (even if it wasn’t a holiday). Tomorrow’s appointment is at 9 in the morning and Salem doesn’t start school until 8:40. The hospital is a half hour away with no traffic, but that early in the morning, I am betting there will be, which means I would have to leave even earlier than normal.  My mom will not be home to take Salem to school, or make sure that she is ready. My only option is to keep her home (no way) or take her to Adisynn’s house a little early, and have them take her to school. That’s not a bad plan, and normally I would not mind, except that Adisynn’s living situation is a little different. She lives with her mom, Aunt, Uncle and baby cousin. Her dad is in jail, has been since last October, and will be getting out in May. Her mom and Aunt both work at the same restaurant and basically have worked their schedules around one another to help each other out with the kids. Adisynn is usually late to school on the mornings that her mom doesn’t take her, and that is why I have started taking her the other days. On Tuesday’s her Uncle would normally take her because that is his day off, but I have still been taking her just to make things easier. And here is where I get crazy, there is something about him that I don’t trust and I don’t want him alone with Salem, and neither does Scott. So what do we do? Scott will obviously be at work, and rescheduling Ian’s appointment is not an option because it is with the Urologist, and otherwise I won’t be able to get him until the end of December. The week after Thanksgiving he has an appointment with a Nephrologist, and he has to see the Urologist first. 

So if I am being honest, this is just way too much anxiety for me on a Monday morning. I honestly would rather keep her home than have to be honest with Adisynn’s family and tell them I don’t want the Uncle in charge of getting Salem to school. Her Aunt will also be there, at the house when I would hypothetically drop her off, but not in the car, not walking them up. 

I so did not mean to write all of that! I guess maybe I needed to though? 

It’s been awhile since I have written and I guess I am not sure what I should update on…… Bullet points it is then. 

• On November 2nd, I started a discussion with my mom about cleaning the house because the Landlords were coming to do a pre walk through of the house, and it turned into a full fledged attack on me because she couldn’t afford to move. She left me very wounded, broken hearted, and I honestly had no idea that as a grown woman, my mother could have such a negative impact on me. Two quotes from our argument. "Just because all the sudden you have decided that you have ‘problems,’ you are ruining everyone else’s lives." Problems being the PPD I have had since her grandson was born. "You know, when I had post partum with Corey, I had no choice but to just get over it, and so should you!" I accused her of not really having it, before I broke down into hysterics for 3 hours after I telling her that was what I have been trying to do for over a year. With that being said, it is very hard not to be depressed when I am so distraught over this. 
• A friend of ours recently started her own business doing portraits. She has always been a beautiful photographer, but just did it for fun. So to promote herself on Election Day she asked people to share her page on Facebook, and then ask your friends to vote for you on her page, and whoever got the most votes would when her deluxe shoot package. Well I won and we are taking our pictures this coming Sunday. I am so excited! This will literally be our first family pictures, and the best part is that they are free, and exactly what I want. 
• I have honestly been reeling in my emotions for the last week. I am struggling to stay centered. My depression is causing me not to sleep, and the sleep deprivation is increasing my anxiety about everything. Nothing is safe from it. Scott has had a frustrating situation at work, and has expressed his concerns to me, and I am convinced he is preparing me for his eminent job loss. Of course I can’y say anything because I know it will translate to not being supportive, and that will cause us to fight. So instead, like with most everything, I suffer in silence.
• Yesterday morning was especially difficult for me. At one moment I was staring out of a window into our backyard and Scott commented that I looked like a person looking out a window in a crazy hospital. I told him that was exactly how I felt. I then went upstairs to use the bathroom and he didn’t see or hear me go up there, and apparently Salem didn’t see me walk past her into the bathroom, and for some reason Scott thought I slipped into the backyard unnoticed. I came down at the same time he was coming in the house and I asked him what he thought, he explained, and then jokingly said he was going to say, "Why do I always get stuck with the crazy girls?" It was a joke, but the words stung. He found me later in the shower crying. He pleaded with me that I am not crazy. I just don’t know anymore. 
• Saturday we went to Six Flags Magic Mountain, which isn’t the most kid friendly place, but somehow we made it all about the kids, and it was a good day. My oldest brother went with us, and he watched the kids so Scott and I could go on the only rollercoaster of the day. We had a little 15 minute date, and it felt really good to old his hand and be silly together. 
• Fall has finally showed up. The last few days have been cold and wonderful. The trees are finally changing color, and falling to the ground, and this makes me happy. This morning when Scott got out of the shower he told me someone said on Facebook that it was 22 degrees in  their high desert community so I checked my weather app on my phone, and it was 35 for us. No wonder the thermostat said 58 when I went downstairs to make his coffee.

This has taken so long to write, and Ian has definitely noticed. Time to end.