Homecoming

I am still sick. Though it turned out much differently than I thought it would. The red throat and white spots turned out to be a fluke because I gargled once with hot water and everything disappeared and stayed gone. To me it’s an obvious sinus infection, but I haven’t gone to the doctor because every time I go for one, they don’t prescribe me anything different than what I can get over the counter at the store. I just wish there were some signs of it getting better because I am in a lot of pain. I can’t decide if the pressure behind my eyes or ears is worse. Either way it feels like my head is about to explode at any minute.

So the thing about church is that we left our home church August 2011 and said that we felt called to go somewhere else, and here we are 1 year and 2 months later with no new church home. I’m frustrated because I feel like there is just nothing better, but I do not want to go back to our original church. I do believe that it was time for us to leave, and we just have not done what God intended for us to do. Yes, we have tried a lot of places, but we are running out of options. So last week we decided to try a church that we liked well enough, but stopped going to after a month because of my family. Since they are no longer apart of the equation, we are going back there again because out of all the churches, it was the one we liked the most.

Last Sunday Scott asked me if I wanted to go to our old church for the second service. His reasoning for it is that Ian has yet to go into a nursery at any of the churches because my PPD makes me feel insane about it. So we end up distracted and separated in church which frustrates Scott, and then me, and honestly is a huge reason we don’t go. My PPD also makes me much happier to stay in my little bubble with my family and not try to get reacquainted somewhere new. So anyway, he thought that sense we have done it there before, for 5 years to be exact, that maybe it would be an easy transition for me to try at other places. So my response was that the church is actually having a homecoming service for their 15th anniversary this coming Sunday at they want everyone who ever attended, to come back, and did he know that? His answer was no, because no one had invited us, I had just seen it on Facebook. Which then led to more hurt feelings for us, and then the search for a church service we might make it to, and then deciding on giving the one we liked a second shot.

So yesterday I get a text from my friend Kari (the pastor’s daughter) inviting us to come. It was so much easier not to go when no one has asked, and so much harder to say no when someone had asked. So we are going. But I really don’t want to. Mostly because I am ashamed that nothing has fit for us so far, and I feel very much like that is my fault. It is in fact one of the things that keeps me up in the middle of the night. And then I am really very hurt that we seem to have fallen off the map for the most to everyone that we considered our family there. And then there is my hair. Yes seriously, it’s a wreck and I am so self conscious to go there with it all jacked up, and I will not wear something on my head at church. I’ll wear jeans, but there is no way I am wearing a bandanna or one of my hats. So right now I am going to stop writing this and call the shop finally and see if they can get me in before Sunday so I can feel comfortable at least in that sense going.