6/17/05

Last night mean and Jo had this long talk about me. And just things. Mostly about me. Like, it was weird how we got on the subject too. We started talking about Ghosts and stuff. And, I told him something that I had never told anyone. About when I was moveing out of my old house, and pretty much everything was gone, and my mother and Grandma had left to go get more boxes and I went into my mom’s room too look around and I stood on the spot were Greg died, and I just felt this cold air, kinda, and I felt like someone was there..and I just ran out and didn’t go back in there. Then I talked about how much I missed him, and stuff like that..I cryed a little, I don’t think he noticed that at all. But I didn’t want him to relise that I was. I try not to cry in frount of people. But we also talked about my mom a little. and stuff like that.. and then my dreaded subject me. Yeah, I don’t like talking about myself all that much. I can’t belive still that I told him all that and my feelings about stuff. I don’t tell anyone, I mean me and my Aunt have talked a little bit about it and maybe Liz, just a little.. But not ever like that. Never. But anyway, we talked about how I should start trying to accept myself, as a "good person" no matter what I have done in my past. Because I’ve changed, yada yada yada. I belive that to an extent. Yes, I have changed, but I still know that there is part of me there that is horrible and mean and a bitch. and doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings or who she hurts. That’s the old me. I don’t want to be that person any more, nor do I want anyone to get to know that person. I want people to know me as who I am now and not who I was. *Sigh* I dunno. I still have alot of problems letting go of things, so I might want to work on that first. I still sometimes think that Greg will walk through the door like he use to and I would run up and give him a big hug. And he would always smell like oil and greese from the golf course shop he worked at. I probley should start working on all of that stuff before I tackle……myself. Hahha. Yeah..well.. Bah..