Wednesdays Are Meant for Writing

 I’m in this very weird place right now where my heart is not in anything I am doing. Including this place. I read everyday, I just can’t bring myself to comment every time. And for that I feel very badly because I have to be honest and say that comments sometimes make my whole day. 

I just looked down at Ian because he was making his hungry sound, only to see that he actually has the keep sake pacifier that I have stored in his bottom drawer in his mouth! He honestly looks very cute, and it’s hilarious because it’s a newborn pacifier and he hasn’t used it, or any other pacifier since he was about 3 months old!

Moving along….. I am having some serious back issues right now. Saturday night Scott went to his dad’s house to play poker like he has been for the last few months, and because we were out and about, he asked me to drive him  there and then come back for him. Salem wanted to come in for a bit, so I said we could stay until the poker playing began and then we would go. Sadly, 15 people were supposed to be there, and other than Scott and my FIL, only 2 other guys showed up. Scott tried to get them not to play at all, but the other guys wanted to and I figured that with it only being 3 of them, it couldn’t have lasted that long. Wrong! 4 Hours later they were finally done. But I had to basically hold Ian the entire time because he wanted to get into everything and that doesn’t fly with my FIL. We have a lot to change over there before we can move in. So for 4 hours I am holding, bending, and fighting my 22 pound son in various positions. And I have been struggling ever since. I asked Scott to rub my back Sunday night and he found a huge lump under my rib cage. Not sure what I am supposed to do about it. Scott keeps telling me to rest and not hold Ian, but come on? Seriously. There is no chance of that happening. I have laid around as much as I can today, but I feel guiltily lazy and Ian is just as demanding of mommy time as ever. 

Chandler went to his new family Monday night. Again, it was very bittersweet. After he left we went to bed, and after everyone had fallen asleep I went downstairs to get a bottle of water. I opened my bedroom door expecting to see him on the stairs, but he wasn’t and I actually got choked up. I talked to his new owner yesterday and she said he had a very bad night. It was obvious he missed us because he cried and howled all night long. I felt terrible. I know it will get easier. I didn’t call today because I need to accept that he isn’t our dog anymore. He really went to a good family, with 3 kids he can play with and a female companion who really seems to like having him around. I think I mentioned all of this already, just convincing myself. 

And officially Ian is walking. For the last 3 weeks all he has done is take 3-10 steps, fall down and then spend the rest of the day proving to us that crawling was way better. But Monday something just clicked, and now he is doing everything he can to prove that he is a walking, and running man. He is saying "love you’ and his own name now. He also likes to remind you that he is the baby by yelling it at you. He has started nodding his head yes and no when asked questions, and seems very consistent in his responses being what he really means. It has really made things a lot easier. Remember our version of peek-a-boo being, "there he is!"? Well, in very smushed together english, when he moves his hands, or blanket off of his face, he shouts out our phrase. In addition to his communicating skills, he brings me my telephone several times a day saying daddy over and over again and he doesn’t stop until Scott calls to say hello. 

Salem got 3 of her cavities filled yesterday and she did absolutely awesome! We were very proud parents, and the dentist and dental assistant couldn’t say enough how impressed they were with how well she did for her first time. She is referring to her silver fillings as robot teeth. Her white filling is pretty amazing. You can’t even tell it is there! She has had minimum day everyday this week for parent teacher conferences. We have ours on Friday (I’ll be alone) and I am so excited to talk to her teacher about her. I think she is doing very well with her math, and sounding out her words for spelling. 

I know I can do my own hair, I’ve made the switch from black to red on my own 3 times in the past. I just really don’t want to put the effort into it. The only fear I have is that I have never done my hair as red as I want it and so the bleaching process will have to be even more extreme and that is where I really get nervous. I have been covering my hair almost everyday because my roots are seriously showing and my black is fading a lot and I am getting seriously impatient. Realistically it makes more sense for me to wait until next week to go have it done, but I am really struggling with waiting for that. I wish I could explain just how badly I feel my hair defines me right now, and it is really messing with my head. It just makes me feel that more crazy.

Tuesday night was the first night in over two weeks that I slept uninterrupted. Monday was terrible though. I was up for over 3 hours, and cried that last hour of it afraid Scott would wake up and say something about me being awake. He is really getting tired of it and it makes him angry. I know the anger is not actually at me, and because there is  nothing he can do for me. The obsessive thoughts are just completely all over the place. It isn’t necessarily bad things that keep me awake, I mean sometimes it is stresses and fears, but other times it’s just anything. Last night it was how I should tell Scott that because we spent $150 on Salem’s teeth, we should wait until the beginning of next week to go to Six Flags like he wants to. And then it led to should we go to Disneyland, and then I wonder if there is any news that our gas prices are supposed to go down yet? For anyone who doesn’t know, California is currently the highest in the nation for gas prices averaging at $4.70 per gallon for my county. So then I laid there with my eyes closed watching different images dance around in my head for close to an hour until my body beat my brain and fell back to sleep. Grrr. I am so over it.