The Scariest Truths

People say that nothing tastes as goof as skinny feels. I’m not sure that I feel the same. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. And I always had. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia issues as early as 12 years old and they stayed with me all through high school. Gaining weight is such a defeat to me. But I love food. Yummy delectable food. Sometimes I can balance, and sometimes I can’t. Right now I am not balancing well. I need to work out more. When we started the diet plan I started strong. I lost 8 pounds in the first 2 weeks. And since the rest has just slowly dwindled, I am dissatisfied. I am thin, but I love the way really thin looks. I think collarbones and pointy hips are attractive. I used to smoke, and when I did, it was so much easier to be skinny. I lived off of caffeine and nicotine. I loved the way my body looked. And I want it again, but not the way I once achieved it.

And speaking of cigarettes, I have been smoke free for 3 years come November 1st. And I still think about it. I genuinely loved smoking. My favorite thing in the world was to sit at Starbucks for hours with a good book and a fresh pack of Marlboro’s. The act of placing the cigarette in my mouth and lighting it was just as satisfying as the first inhale. Addictions are heartbreaking, because as proud of yourself as you are that you stopped, it’s disgusting to miss it as much as you do. And by no means am I glorifying it, but I am honestly thinking about it so much lately, the comfort it brought me and the companionship of it always being there, and I want it. Not more than I want what I have achieved, but enough that it is dangerous for me to really think on it.

My husband is off being a rock star tonight, playing at the House of Blues at Downtown Disney. Anyone who is in a band, knows someone in a band, or had ever been to a House of Blues knows that this is a big deal. This his is first time playing there. He has played both Hard Rock Cafe’s in Hollywood, and even B.B. Kings bar, but never there and I am missing it. And it makes me so angry and bitter. I wanted to be there so badly. But the truth is that I am too angry at my mom, and Scott is too distrusting of her to have let the kids stay with her so late so I can go because his band doesn’t go on until 11:00. I miss my husband and who we used to be. These kind of nights were what we used to be. He told me while he is getting ready that the first song he is playing tonight is about me, and I had no idea. I have never even heard it. And it made me long for the girl who cried the first time he let a crowd of strangers know that I was the inspiration and passion of a song. It makes me so angry that I am not experiencing that tonight. I haven’t been on a date with him since February for our anniversary. I miss him. I miss the him when it is just the two of us.

I have made the decision that it is right for us to move, if not for anything other than I can stay at home with the kids, no matter the cost. Now I just have to build up the nerve to tell my mom, and my brother Zach. I feel the worse for Zach. I feel bad all together because after debating a move over the Summer, and us deciding against it, I told everyone that we would be here through the school year, and now here we are 2 months later making a different decision. Scott keeps telling me it’s not my fault. He keeps reminding me that I did not ask for this, that together we decided to have a kid and so we are in this together, but it is my body, my emotions, my brain that is effecting everyone. How am I not to blame?

I wrote to my Aunt on Facebook today opening up to her about just how bad this last year and a half has been for me, and how little support I have gotten from my mom. No one in my family outside of my home know just how bad it has been. It was very hard for me to write it. And it was very hard for me to ask for help in regards to communication this decision to my mom. The worst part is that there was little she could say other than she knows my mom is reluctant to listen to anyone because she has already tried with her several times. It’s just so frustrating to know that I have to do this with little to no hope of it being peaceful.

We are getting rid of Chandler. I didn’t think it was going to be this soon, but this is what it has come to. When we were looking at apartments, every place we looked at that said they didn’t have a weight restriction, but had a breed restriction would list St. Bernard’s as restricted. I’m willing to bet it is because of the hair, and how deep their bark is. So basically we knew that unless something seriously amazing happened and we were able to buy our own home, we would have to face the decision eventually. But, he has been aggressive towards me, and it has become more frequent lately. And the last time was on Monday, while I had Ian in my arms. He is great with my kids, and has never shown any aggression towards them, but to know he did it while I was holding Ian scares the crap out of me, and mostly because it is not the first time. I told Scott and he made the decision that it had to be now. We have a family coming to meet with him tomorrow to see if it is a good fit. Outside of the aggression, I love him and think he is great, so this makes me sad, and I am battling with it. There is another family interested too, and while they haven’t nailed down when they will be coming to see him, the possibility of him not being in our family anymore is really difficult for me. And again I feel like it is my fault.

Somehow, everything seems to boil down to it being my fault.