04/21/2012

 I am so restless today. I’ve been awake for 2 hours and I am dying to get out of the house and do something. I have plans, things to do today. But thats not it. It’s so much more than that. I’m irritated with my house I guess? It’s definitely my surroundings. 

Ian is days away from crawling. Well crawling for real at least. He can move now, by rolling to the path he wants to be on, and then army crawling the rest of the day. But because he has discovered he can do this, he wants to play non stop. And I can’t just put him on the floor. Because we have this huge St. Bernard and he sheds like crazy and our floors are NEVER clean enough for Ian to just crawl around. Especially downstairs because we have wall to wall hardwood floors. Upstairs in our room I lay down a couple of play mats and blankets, along with a gazillion toys and let him have at it. But first thing in the morning when daddy is still sleeping, that is out of the question. And so begins the irruption of my surroundings and the fact that I just don’t understand why we don’t have a play pen. It would be such an easy solution to my morning time routine. Hmmmm….. Craigslist here I come. 

I just feel like I am always waiting for something or someone so I can get myself going.

And I really wanted to read this morning. I woke up, looked around my room, observed that everyone was still sleeping and went and grabbed the book that I have been staring at for 2 weeks. As soon I was adjusted and ready to read, Ian woke up. Maybe later. 

Today I am going to my cousin Daniel’s wife to be’s Bridal Shower. Yesterday I was in the mood for it, but today I’m not. I simply adore her, and I am so happy for them, but I just don’t want to be around all the hoopla of people. It’s only a couple of hours though. 

Tomorrow we are going to the beach. The temps have been really high for the past couple of days. Ideally we would go today, but because of the shower we can’t. So instead we will go to church tonight, and then get up early tomorrow and go so we don’t have to fight for space on the sand. We bought a two person tent to take with us so we can hide the kids from the sun tomorrow when needed, and so I can have a private area to nurse Ian. I’m just really happy we are going. I love days when we are out of the house. 

I am however not happy with the idea of a bathing suit. And that depresses me. None of the bathing suits I own will fit my chest right now. And quite frankly I am not sure that I would really look good in any of them. Except for maybe my maternity suit, and that really depresses me. I tried on a one piece yesterday that I really liked and felt sexy in, but again my chest was too big, and the store didn’t have any other sizes. There is a store that makes custom bathing suits, specializing in those who are challenged in the chest area, and I really want to try and make it up there today, but with the shower and church tonight, I don’t think we will make it. So maternity bathing suit it is I guess. =o(

This week has been rough. We almost went to Disney World with our friends after all, but we ended up deciding not to go because we didn’t want to spend our entire tax return on a trip, and that is what it would have come down to. And this week they are there, and Scott and I both desperately wish we had chose to go instead. Words can not express how much I miss them and how really sad I am without them. I also found out that my book club is going to be coming to an end. Most of the girls still going, no longer go to my old church. Apparently a lot has changed there, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, our leader is stepping down, and the only way someone can take over for her is if they still go to the church. Only two women still attend, and neither of them have the time to do it either. It really hurts me because I am good enough to cover when she can’t make it, even since I have left the church, but not good enough to take it over. One of the other ladies feels like we are being phased out. Maybe we are. Scott thinks its better that I cut all ties with the church anyway, and maybe can start a book club at the new church. 

Next Friday Ian has his appointment with the specialist and so I will need to face reality. Time to make decisions……

And with that I am going to take a shower and maybe take a trip to the bathing suit shop alone.