Anything, Everything, Everybody

I sat down to write Sunday evening, and it just didn’t work out, so even though it is 11:05 and I would love to crawl into my empty bed and be alone more than anything, I am going to do this instead. I am not sure if I have mentioned it or not, but I often feel like I am talking to myself all day long. Hopefully this will cure me of the constant monologue going on upstairs.

Our Illnesses: Everyone is better. It took all of us over a week to get better, but it finally happened. I am still coughing everyday, but nothing like I was and it honestly happens only a few times and less and less everyday. I still feel run down though. The doctor said I should expect it though so I am not completely shocked. Both Salem and Ian are cough free, though Ian is still having issues with his runny nose. Scott got better long before the rest of us and he was the only one who definitely only had a cold.

PPD: Sucks. Honestly, while I was sick it was almost as if I traded one ailment for another. I may have been knocking on death’s door (exaggeration) but I wasn’t consumed by sadness. However now, it seems like it is playing catch up. I feel super crazy besides feeling overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. Paranoia may be creeping in. I hit myself today. Seriously, full on. I was seriously just so, so tired of me. Sunday as I was attempting to write, Ian was fussy and crying in his exersaucer. I felt as if I had been holding him all day long. Scott was getting into a bath and I asked him if he wanted to take a bath with Ian when he was done and he said no. I felt like I was going to explode. I had a panic attack while we were out to lunch earlier in the day, and I felt like I was suffocating in the house. I needed to get out and didn’t want Scott to stop me, so I grabbed Ian and my keys and didn’t let him know that I had left until I was in my car and down the street. And to be completely honest with myself, I knew Ian was tired and I didn’t want to hold him, and I knew the car ride would put him to sleep. Salem makes me feel claustrophobic, and I can’t even begin to get into the issues that is causing with my psychy. With that being said, I’ll stop here and say that I’m still struggling, and it’s still the elephant in the room.

Friends: Justin and Destiny will be here in Southern California tomorrow morning. They were supposed to fly into Northern California to visit with his brother and sister in law for a few days before coming down here, but unfortunately Justin’s grandmother hasn’t been doing well and today the doctors took her off all her medication and placed her on hospice care so they are flying here directly instead. Other than the sad news, I am so excited to see them I have literally cried multiple times. I am so excited I get to meet their daughter, and of course we will be going to Disneyland next Tuesday. I also have made a friendship of sorts with Salem’s friend from school’s mom. We’ve only hung out once and I am not sure where we have a bond yet, but either way it’s nice to have someone to talk to and play games with online.

Scott: Our anniversary is this Sunday. Six years almost doesn’t seem long enough this year. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just feel like he has always been a part of me. We don’t have any plans as of yet. We’ll do something, but I am just not ready to go too far, or too long. I bought him a new barbecue. I am really excited about it because he pointed it out at the store without knowing that it was the one I bought him. Some days he is supportive, and some days he is not. I honestly just don’t think he knows exactly what it is he should be doing for me.

Salem: She seems really tall to me lately, and thin. I know she is growing up, but even just looking at the pictures of her from her first day of school, she looks so different! She’s learning so much it’s crazy. I am so proud of her. We’ve been having issues again with her sleeping in her bed, but Scott told me that I really have to get her to sleeping in there because he has been sleeping terrible with her in our bed every night. Her and I prayed at bed time that she will stay in there all night so we’ll see. She is developing her own personality and sense of humor that is obviously a little bit of me, and a little bit of her daddy, and I can’t seem to decide which side of it makes me smile more.

Ian: We have a first word. I’m pretty sure it’s ok to say it’s official. It’s nothing extravagant, but ‘hi’ is the first word we can record in his vocabulary. He says it over a dozen times a day and for the most part, uses it in an appropriate context. He has said daddy a few times, and consistently sounds like he is trying to imitate ‘love you.’ He definitely sits up on his own, and gives kisses. Very wet ones, but none the less, it’s obvious it is what he is doing. 3 weeks ago he could only reach the bottom of his exersaucer with one foot on tiptoes, and now both feet are firmly planted flat on the bottom and he is able to spin his chair all the way around to each station on his own. He is teething, which already feels like it has been forever, and he is so crabby! Now that sickness is over and what I assume was sleep regression has passed, he is back to sleeping 6-8 hour stretches.

Me: I still need to get myself in order. PPD aside, I want to ditch these last couple of pounds, plus the 10 unwanted extra I had before Ian was conceived. I just don’t want anything to extreme, but I still can’t seem to juggle the stay at home mom/wife thing completely. The best form of exercise right now seems to be walking around the neighborhood. Both kids like it and it’s therapeutic. I feel as though I fail myself daily, but I try desperately to tell myself it’s ok, and rather giving up, just to forgive myself and move on. It’s easier said than done. I was really proud of myself because I had Ian in his own bed two nights in a row. He will totally sleep by himself, but it makes me happier to have him with me. But I told myself I need to cut the cord, and am forcing myself to believe it’s ok for him to be separate from me.

And now I am completely tired. I have other things to write about, and feel like maybe if I set my mind to it, I’ll get on here and address them tomorrow. So, goodnight!