PPD Wins Out Again

 I so badly want to come here and not be a downer. I want to come here and write a happy entry about the flowers my husband bought me after Ian’s appointment, before he knew I was upset. Or the message he sent me on Facebook to tell me that my insanity is ok. And the last moment that I would love to share would be how as a family, for the first time ever, we watched the Firework show in front of the Sleeping Beauty’s castle at Disneyland, and again I cried on Main Street with thousands of strangers surrounding me. 

But I can’t. The only time I can seem to make myself sit down and write is when I am distraught. 

See my new profile picture? I am trying to embrace that side of me. I look at it and a phrase screams inside of my head. "I am the only me I will ever get." Accept yourself lady, suck it up and learn to love yourself. One day I’ll believe that again. 

It’s hard to explain, but there is a point several times a week where I really hate myself. Today it was sitting at a stop sign, when I took a moment to peek on Ian in the backseat to see snot running down his face and another coughing fit escaping his mouth. The thoughts that crept in, that I had been fighting all day, created an urgency to scratch at my brain with a fork. Why a fork?? The imagery worked to satisfy the way I felt about myself.

Ian is sick. So Sick. And I have no idea what to do. Salem was never sick as a baby. She was a healthy breast fed baby who never so much as sneezed too often. But my 4 month old isn’t sleeping well, coughing like crazy, and is having trouble breathing with all the snot and congestion. And I feel like it’s my fault. 

Rationale still plays some part in my life, and I have told myself Salem is also sick, and when she was a baby she didn’t have an older sibling who went to school to get her sick. Too bad I don’t listen nor do I really believe rationale. 

I can hear instead the confidant words of my husband and myself proclaiming that breast feeding is the only way to go because of the health benefits, and we are sure that most people we know, who’s kids are sick often and are not breast fed, are too blame. I just thought it last week about a 4 week old baby who I learned that his mother stopped breastfeeding almost immediately and gives him formula. And yet here I am, a breast milk believer and my son is sick. 

And so begins my self torture and hatred because if Salem got him sick, and I am not, it’s my fault. I did not pass on the immunity. I let her breathe on him, and lay in bed with us. She played with him too much, didn’t wash her hands enough, and I probably didn’t either. 

Scott keeps telling me it’s ok, that this is what happens, babies get sick. But not our babies. Or at least they aren’t supposed to. 

I am paranoid he will get pneumonia. That he has whooping cough even though he has been vaccinated. I am afraid that somewhere I have lived up to my worst expectations and I have failed as a mother. 

My irritation is high and my hopes low. 

My shoulders actually hurt from the stress I am carrying. It feels like I am carrying a load.  I wish I could give myself a break. 

I also wish I could be honest, but I feel like there is no one left to be honest with. Except this page of course. And a husband who is forced to learn his way through this disease with me, and that in itself, makes me hate myself for burdening him further than I ever intended. 

 

His message to me:

I haven’t gotten a sticky pad in a few days, but I know that doesn’t mean u don’t love me! 

I haven’t seen u clean the dishes or vacuum the house once this month,but I know that doesn’t mean u disrespect me!

I haven’t had u kiss me and tell me u love me before we go to bed, but I know that doesn’t mean u don’t dream about me!

Im sure u haven’t thought about having wild sex together as much as I have in the last 48 hours, but that doesn’t mean u don’t want to make love to me!

Sometimes life is stressful and we button up and feel like we r broken or that something is wrong inside, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hear ur stress in ur words or see ur uncertainty in ur eyes or feel ur breath as u sigh! 

Just know that I love u and I have two shoulders for u. One to cry on and another to rest when u feel weary.

I’m right here next to u forever ur husband and u forever my bride!

I love u my sunshine girl!