My Stomach Hurts

My anxiety is through the roof. So much so that my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. I am so tired of feeling this way. I need help bad.

I did the survey yesterday because I really like them, and though I wanted to write, I didn’t want to write a lot. I won’t be doing one every day, but maybe a few more before the month is up.

I am supposed to start seeing a therapist for my PPD since the medication is not working after over 2 months of treatment with it. The only problem is that I no longer have insurance since I haven’t returned to work and I can’t afford to see one. I called the county to see if they had any programs for mothers suffering from this, and they referred me to two different places. One of them has a grant from the State of California to specifically treat women with PPD. The other is with the county hospital, but they never called me back and that’s just fine with me because I would have rather not gone there to be perfectly honest. The director from the one with the grant called me last Wednesday and asked me a few questions and said that one of her nurses would call me back for my first evaluation either the following day or yesterday. I missed the call yesterday, called her back, received no phone call and called and left another message today. I am supposed to have an answer for my boss tomorrow about when I am returning, but I can’t go back. I’m not ready. I need to see someone quickly!

I feel like ripping away at my skin so I can get out of it. Salem is sitting next to me doing homework, and every time she asks me for help with the next part It’s like nails in my brain. And I hate myself for reacting in this way, and it only makes it worse. I want to help her, but I just can’t handle it right now. Ian is sleeping and every time he takes a deep breath, I hold mine so hoping he won’t wake up. I can’t help him and her at the same time. Not tonight. Some nights are good and some are bad. And it’s not that I don’t want to! I need to be with them, I need to know that I am important to them and they need my love. But tonight, tonight it’s too stressful. I just want to play with Salem, or feel her sleeping next to me. I don’t want to have to work tonight. I really hate myself. I love Ian’s demands. I love that for the most part I am the only one who can fulfill them. I feel whole in supplying them for him, but it’s not always the case with Salem, especially when I have t do both. How in the world am I supposed to function at work!?

Every time I tell someone I have PPD I feel like I need to defend myself right away that I’m not crazy and I don’t want to hurt my children. I feel like that is the association everyone makes with the depression. But I can assure you I don’t feel that way, not even close. I feel over protective and it drives me crazy to have someone else hold Ian, even Scott. I want to hover over Salem and defend every single thing she does. But when it comes to me, most days I despise myself. If I want to hurt anyone, it’s me. There have been many days, that I have just wanted to disappear and the only thing that stops me is the beautiful faces of my children.

Have I said too much? I hope not. This is my heart and mind. At least for today it is. At this moment. Ian has woken up and I can’t stop. I look at him and am amazed by the beauty in his face, and the love in his smile, and I can’t even begin to understand how something so ugly came out of his creation.

On top of returning to work or not and making sure it is done in a way that I still have an income, Scott’s time at the studio is coming to an end. We just don’t know when or the right time to do so. There was a confrontation between him and his "partner" and though Scott thought that the emerging conversation was productive and positive, his "partner" waited 3 days to send him an email bashing my husband’s character and accusing him of thoughts he doesn’t have. His "partner" is the owner and therefore makes all the decisions. As of right now they are not on speaking terms and told Scott via text message that he only wants him to respond to him in an email as well because he only sees things going down hill from this point. Do to stresses his job has brought on in the past and this current situation, we have agreed it is time for him to leave, but that he needs to find another job first. My hope is just that he gives Scott time to do so.

It puts pressure on my need to remain on disability a bit longer, and to possibly be laid off so I can remain at home with kids so there isn’t a stress over interviews and searching for a job and taking something that will conflict with my hours at work. I know it makes no sense for both of us to be unemployed, but it’s what seems right. Though in all reality I don’t believe he will be without work before he finds something new. The anxiety I feel is from wanting the situation resolved and knowing what changes we need to make.

I feel very grateful for this computer Scott bought over the weekend. It’s helped to feel like I am talking to someone. I love my husband, but every time I try and talk to him about how I am feeling, he ends up making me feel worse and like the feelings are my fault. It’s not his responsibility to fix me and so I can’t be mad at him.