forbidden place

I went out and bought a book today, not the one I wanted but nevertheless a book on adoption reunions and beyond. This is a “forbidden place” for me because I don’t want to ‘feel’ or allow myself to be emotional but I have this need to know that I am normal and that what I am going thru or putting off going thru is all ok! I have yet to deal with all this stuff that has gone on and I do my best to shut down any emotion that I do have. For some reason it hit me the other day that eventually all of this will hit me and I won’t be ready to handle it (like everything else in my life) or I will continue to handle it wrong! I guess maybe I am afraid my world will come crashing down one day and I won’t be prepared…I live on the verge of destruction! Anyway if nothing els it is interesting to read how others handle this experience and how my feelings and emotions are so much the same as other ppl who have gone thru this! You know I am not alone in this. Much like when I first realized that I wasn’t ‘alone’ with my anorexia, I remember it was like a revelation when I read about it and figured out that I wasn’t the only one in the world struggling with this thing called ‘anorexia’, that it was an ‘eating disorder’ and there were many others who suffered with it!! WOW it actually had a name and I was beginning to understand it! …I will never fully understand it, but it was such a relief to know that I wasn’t suffering alone!

I really didn’t come here to write about my ED though, I came here to write about this adoption reunion experience! It’s funny because while I was going thru the beginning stages of everything about 1 & a half ago, I felt really  misunderstood. I mean no one could put themselves in my shoes or talk to me about ‘their’ experiences going thru this because it is so uncommon. With the ED that is not the case, there are plenty of ppl who know EXACTLY where I am coming from or what I am going thru!!! The book talks about this very thing, how it is an experience that few go thru and everyone’s experience is SO different. See stuff like that makes me confirm in my head that it’s ok that my experience is different and that it is unique. It talks about different feelings you have and what the birth mothers experience is and on and on, so you get to see from all points of view! Which is good for me, and seems to be so far much like the experience I had with all parties affected! From my adopted parents & siblings to my birth mother & father & brothers! So I am kind of excited and scared at the same time, but I think this book will be good for me! Maybe even show me how to allow myself to have emotions! I avoid these kinds of books because I know that it messes with my emotions, the ones I try to ignore or avoid! The book also talks about how there is SO much healing to take place and that you NEED to deal with all your emotions or you will only end up more messed up…heh I don’t think that is possible!

Even my birth mom has even questioned my emotions and wonders if I have any…heh! She understands that I am just not dealing with it all and has been very patient with me 🙂 I have spent my entire life pushing away the bad feelings and avoiding them, mostly feeling numb when it came to any deep stuff or hurt! That is where my coping mechanism come in very handy…I deal with it all…I just don’t eat and that makes everything all better see? It has worked for me for the last 18 years…it’s all I know!

Well I’m off to read…