…why do I always do that…?

I have this annoying way of making myself think that the ppl that care about me really DON’T! My head is messed, I am aware of that fact & I am willing to admit that! In my last entry I was talking about my bestest friend “G”, how I was offended and a tiny bit jealous at the way he just took over the situation with the girl I was helping! Anyway I was offended but the other part of me gets upset for another reason and that is the fact that I have been waiting NINE MONTHS for him to CARE about the letter I wrote him. But  she’s got a problem and he runs to her side and makes her feel like she is a priority to him??? What the heck am I…please humour me??? Ok I wrote about this in a “private” entry and got out all my frustration there but I just wanted to explain myself a little here! I know I shouldn’t be so intense about this but I am!!! So the other day we were talking and out of anger it slipped out…I said “oh yeah and what about that letter I wrote and you STILL haven’t said anything about, huh?” and I poked him…you know to make it not so intense and to disguise me being upset about it. He said “hey I still have that in my car and I am ready to talk to you about it when ever you’re ready just tell me!” YEAH RIGHT, you forgot about me don’t give me that crap!! Then he said “we need to set our friendship aside and deal with this thing head on, seriously talk about all this stuff and maybe one day you can feel free of all of this” Wow ok maybe he does care! …NOT because it was after that conversation that he ran to help this girl.

So I was hurt for that reason and I decided to just hang low on sunday and not go to church and be bothered with seeing him there! Besides my babe was sick again so it was a great excuse not to go…phew! I have a tendency to “avoid” stuff that I don’t want to deal with! Besides he won’t notice anyway, he is too involved with “‘R’s” issues now. Well I got a call monday morning and I wasn’t going to answer it but I did and it was him, ok I lied maybe he does care (what a FREAK I am huh?!) He say’s “hey what day was it yesterday?” I laughed and told him and he just said he thought maybe I didn’t realize because I wasn’t at church…then he admitted he knew my babe was sick, he just wanted to ck up on me! He told me that he was after another kid and some stuff that this kid wanted to talk about with him and that he was going to try to meet with him twice this week…right away my head said “you will friggin meet with this kid twice but you can’t talk to me for NINE MONTHS!” My head just works like this…I am constantly fighting with myself and the voices in my head telling me I am worthless, and no one cares not even him!!!

Why can I just not take someones love and believe that it’s for real? Why do I always have to question it in my head? Why do I always have to find reasons for them not to love me? Why do I doubt the love of the ppl closest to me? Why do I keep everyone at a distance? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve their love? What is wrong with me?

🙁