3/13/07

My head is full
I write in bursts in the private journal and its just bleak and distubing.  I censor myself here for some reason.  Probably because the private one would get me tossed into hell.  Fuck it.. I wnt to just curl up and die.   Not in so many words I believe a person I have sex with will no longer since I was seeing Domabee.  I kinda expected it when the cat cme out of the bag.  It wasnt implicitly stated just was something I needed to be prepared for.  Was asked "Why do you date?"  I answered honesty of "To have a good time to not be an embarrassment to someone in public."  I guess I am.  Fat, dopey and bespeckled.  Nothing goes right.  Why havent I been successful?  Have someone look over my resume?  Not a chance

My heart hearts like someone is squeezing it.  At times those squeezes feels harder then I cry again.  I started to clean again but I get mopey and stop shake or something or other

I fucked up again basically and now well I can kiss any kind of intimacy goodbye. 

Destined to be the butt of the cosmic joke and I dont want to be. Paranoia, hatred for self, recriminations for trying to be something of worth.  I fuck it up each time.  Maybe they are right I dont want success maybe I want to be miserable and the need for attention is that great.

Hiding just makes me feel more depressed, more alone because I know no one will really call or come by just to see if I am alive.    Its schedule

I need to bathe and sleep.. may be I can get that done without distractions.