Wanted: Clarity

Let me have some clarity of thought.

I cant seem to make up my mind lately cant seem to hold onto a coherent thought for a few minutes at a time.

Been playing too much poker, spending time cleaning the kitchen so well the top part gleams.. heh the floor is a different story.   It will get done. 

I was planning on going out of town for Tue and Wed but well work decided to take one of my days off away and money trumps free time right now.  Even with my raise its still a meager living but at least the doors are closing a bit more firmly.  It something at least.

Part of me wants to cuddled and made to feel adored.  Thats frustrating when its silent between the people I see, I don’t want the public affection that people display, somehow along the lines it has made me uncomfortable.  I want to see unattached.  I have never been one for PDA save for my indiscressions of youth.  But that was then this is now. 

I guess seeing the Red Headed Step Child and La Cucaracha last night did that kind of morose wish to feel special and pampered.  Being single you do miss some of those little gestures the hugs, kisses and comfortable leanings.  It gives you the sense that you really do belong somewhere or with someone. 

The other part is sincerely happy with the nature of my relationships in some cases people would think violent when it come to my proclivities.  Even though the mixture of pain and pleasure its a way that I feel complete in many ways.  I take a little pain convert it into something else, something almost spiritual. 

Those two parts condradict each other, as strange as it seems. 

What do I want?  Do I want something more than now?  I feel at times that something is missing and other times complete.. I dont know..I hate mysteries.

I am going to work Mon and Tue, have Wed off, poker then Sat go off to the Dragon*Con meeting or just chill. Who knows as I still havent decided to be on staff or be a patron this year. 

Too many decisions, too many floating thoughts..