Dream Sequences and Depression

I am here, surviving and somehow haunted by Kanders lil speach to me before he left for LA.  Yeah I should not be thinking about it, torturing myself over those few words that I know cant be true because I do know better.  I do fucking know better but I hear the voices again and again voices of the dead telling me who should really be heading out to the bayous to fucking die.

Atop the greek chorus being incredibly active, I have been telling people when they ask what is wrong that I have a headache.. kinda true since the screaming is not all that pleasant to begin with. 

My dreams are stange drams and yes it strange, be aware of triggers.

I was kneeling naked on the floor, breathing heavy, aching all over and I dont know why.  My palms were on the floor, it was like stones with tiny seams of mortar.  I am kneeling there trying to catch my breath I can feel sweat all over me, almost dripping off.  I know someone is behind me, I know who they are I dont seem to be afraid of them (why I would be naked with people behind me I dont know) Then I feel a hand go into my hair, from the bottom and gently pull back, like a request to look up.  And I do lift up a bit my hands leaving the floor and I feel a caress, with a bite across my neck.  I know that bite its a razor and as soon as I start to raise my hands to my neck my hair is pulled hard, yanking my head back.  I can feel the lips of this razor, I know that feeling too well and I feel the  wound open up and I can see blood, two jets of dark red and then a mist of pink.  I can smell it and I try to put my hands across the cut and it just makes the pink more prominent.  I cant stop it.  I see the walls, white with something on the left side, its dark.  The light is indirect and I try to scream, I cant.  And yes boys and girls this is when I wake.

Fucked up huh?