9/8/06

Its funny, when you ask for help they cant help you.  I am speaking of my insurance company and their mental health department.  I am a statistic I ran out of meds, thoughts hey I’m okay so I havent been taken them for about 2 weeks.  Its starting to hit hard, and with 9/11 coming up, the total rejection at D*C and Relapse, people who tll me they love me and find it so easy to ignore me for weeks on end, I have literally lost all self confidence, self esteem and feel like I am once again losing my sanity.  Hell I am sopposed to have another 7 months before I start to think about life evaluation again.  Per my promise about what was it now.. I was 26-28 when I made it. 

Hell, I looked for help again and the Ins co (it sounds like a bun) told me first they could see me is Oct 3.  Great, ask for help and they want to play the waiting game.  I am close to crisis and I am starting to scare myself.  I started cutting again and its progressivly getting worse, the cuts are longer, still not deep but the length, the ammount and the frequency are chilling when I am lucid enough to contemplate it (like right now). 

The other day I tried to count who would actually show up if I kicked the bucket at this time.  The list was so small that that itself drove me into frenzy.  I counted less than a dozen and many of those I place in a maybe pile, even then there is less than one hand span.  Fucking rich there. 

There is no romance in my life, granted I am not a romantic sort but it would be nice just feel special, to feel valid, to feel human and not a piece of meat wasting everyones breath. 

A friend commented on my lack of confidence, it took all my strength not to give reason why.  Someone asked what had happened to bring me so down, I couldnt explain and not sound like I was pandering for attention. 

Yes, I want attention, not fucking pity.

Need I mention the 5 year anniversery of my first death is coming on Monday?  Yeah, try to explain that one boys and girls, that I died that day, not physically, but emotionally, spiritually.  How do you do that? Especially when people lost friends, loved ones or were injured themselves that you did die that day, all you knew was gone in a few moments that spiral of insinity ws looming for me, destroying me from the inside leaving me hollow.

Gods help me if I cant make it till the 3rd, I dont know if I can, part of me doesnt want to just keep the chorus out of my head permanently, leave all my pain behind, leaving no mark.