Can’t Sleep, Slash will Eat Me.

I left work at 6 this morning and still cannot seem to sleep. Caffeine shall be my bestest buddy over the weekend. The dress rehearsal starts at 11 this morning and goes to whenever. Then set construction at 10-10:30pm , then again back at the theatre come about 6:30-7am Sunday. Yes, I shall be tired. At least it is work in film production again.

The MaDScientist (MS) didnt show until 4pm yesterday giving me a whopping 2 hours of sleep but it was pleasant enough sans the getting lost looking for a tiny lil place with fresh bread, butter and sweet tea. Because that is when his personal drama started. The MaDScientist is a person I think I can trust and well, knowing details of that past failed relationship got me to thinking about why he does things the way he does. Yes, I shared this and it was cool because well, it was. Ended up just going abck to my place for lots of hugs and talk. Funny, makes a person feel a little special to be at times anothers strength, even when I have so little to spare.

MS noticed my arm and berrated me for what he saw, begging me to call whenever I am tempted again to cut. Those cuts have been there for 2 weeks and no one else has noted. He wanted me to talk about what was bothering me so much, and I did, leaving out exacts and names, but enough to get a point across. Some things others no not about, even here, something that I have been struggling with that leaves me in that damned depressed stupor. It deals with abandonment and never doing the correct thing, being called a numb cunt again because I will not bend to what others demand of me without due respect and trust.

MS can see my struggle with ethics and can understand, he apparently has the same issues at times. Not, granted in the same way, but something close enough to be called a ballpark, well the parking lot of the ballpark.

I want to say more sometimes, but that would not be prudent and may show some cards that need to be kept up my sleeve figuatively. Maybe I hide too much from the people that claim to care about me because I am fearful of being vulnerable, fearful of being shattered again emotionally.

I have the strangest hankering to find a copy of Appetite for Desctruction by Guns n Roses. Something wants me to hear the album again, for what strange reason I havent the foggiest. Nostalgia perhaps of when I wore blue jeans band t-shirts and Doc Martins. I can remember fondly mother bitching about Slayer and Metallica shirts being washed grey from all the wearings and her wanting to place me in pink and blue. Of course a couple of years later those shirts were also mixed with Ministry, Cannibal Corpse, Fear Factory and Pearl Jam. Need I mention the Doc Martins stayed? I want another pair again but well, they are too damned heavy for me to wear and look decent.

Growing up has pains.

I want to go out, dance till the sun comes up, drink a little to just feel good, tease a stranger but leave them at a corner. I want to feel free, to feel desired, but still the Mistress of my own fate. I want to be unbridled, wanton and giddy. I need to be a woman, I need to be seen as more than a friend to dine with on occasion. I need a little romance in my life, even though it rubs against my normal grain.

I just want to feel special.

"Don’t Damn Me"
-Guns n Roses

Don’t damn me
When I speak a piece of my mind
‘Cause silence isn’t golden
When I’m holding it inside
‘Cause I’ve been where I have been
An I’ve seen what I have seen
I put the pen to the paper
‘Cause it’s all a part of me

Be it a song or casual conversation
To hold my tongue speaks
Of quiet reservations
Your words once heard
They can place you in a faction
My words may disturb
But at least there’s a reaction

Sometimes I wanna kill
Sometimes I wanna die
Sometimes I wanna destroy
Sometimes I wanna cry
Sometimes I could get even
Sometimes I could give up
Sometimes I could give
Sometimes I never give a fuck

It’s only for a while
I hope you understand
I never wanted this to happen
Didn’t want to be a man
So I hid inside my world
I took what I could find
I cried when I was lonely
I fell down when I was blind

But don’t damn me
When I speak a piece of my mind
‘Cause silence isn’t golden
When I’m holding it inside
‘Cause I’ve been where I have been
An I’ve seen what I have seen
I put the pen to the paper
‘Cause it’s all a part of me

How can I ever satisfy you
An how can I ever make you see
That deep inside we’re all somebody
An it don’t matter who you wanna be
But now I gotta smile I hope you comprehend
For this man can say it happened
‘Cause this child has been condemned
So I stepped into your world
I kicked you in the mind
An I’m the only witness
To the nature of my crime

But look at what we’ve done
To the innocent and young
Whoa listen to who’s talking
‘Cause we’re not the only ones
The trash collected by the eyes
And dumped into the brain
Said it tears into our conscious thoughts
You tell me who’s to blame

I know you don’t wanna hear me cryin’
An I know you don’t wanna hear me deny
That your satisfaction lies in your illusion
But your delusions are yours and not mine
We take for granted we know the whole story
We judge a book by its cover
And read what we want
Between selected lines

Don’t hail me
An don’t idolize the ink
Or I’ve failed in my INTENTIONS
Can you find the missing link
Your only validation is living your own life
Vicarious existence is a fucking waste of time
So I send this song to the offended
I said what I meant and I’ve never pretended
As so many others do intending just to please
If I damned your point of view
Could you turn the other cheek