Emptiness

Dear diary

This is what I am really feeling now. EMPTINESS!

Unknowingly, I have started for my job for 2 months, and I have left NLB for ermmm…..exactly 2 months also. My probation will end in 1 month time. I don’t know but actually I am quite afraid of everything in front of me. I am feeling so insecure of my future ahead. I think I really have no confidence in myself but no matter what I will still do my best and face everything bravely.

After I started working, I seem to have lost my purpose in life, I have no goal or anything for now, because I only planned until I find a job and that’s it, since I landed on a job, that’s like what I have planned so far, and so now I just to wait until I pass my probation, before I know which step I should take next. Life feels so boring, meaningless and empty. I just don’t feel like doing anything at all. I just feel like sleeping forever.

All my friends seem to be so busy or doing so well, yet I am still nothing, still the same as before. Someone told me what I am feeling now is because I am jealous of others who are doing better then me, maybe I am a little jealous, but I am happy for them, yet at the same time, I feel so sad for myself.

I don’t know why I am always lying to others, I just do that uncontrollably, I don’t know why I am always lying to myself, I don’t know why I am always wallowing in my world of lies. Although those lies are harmless to others, I still feel gulity for lying to my friends or anyone. But, I will just lie and laugh/smile too happily in front of others, when actually I am crying inside my heart. It’s because I can’t bring myself to let those I love cry for me, because if they know the truth, how I really feel inside, how my life have been all these while, I am sure they will cry. Although, they may not actually understand everything I am facing, the world I am living in…

Why is life so difficult? Or it is I am always letting myself trapped in my own world of misery. Why must I live so hard? I been trying so hard to get out of my world of misery, yet I still couldn’t find the recipe to happiness. Sometimes, when I see how hard I live, I feel even sadder for myself.

Can’t just God just send a Guardian Angel who will always be by my side and picked me up from the world of darkness?

I am still missing them so much. Usually, I will make myself cruel and forget everything, my happiest moment in life, the person I love so much, but this time I really can’t bring myself to forget them totally. I hate myself for being so attached to the place and people so much. I hate myself for hurting so much inside for these two months. Actually, everhthing have already ended, my fate with them have ended, but why I am still hoping that there’s still something to hold them in my life, why am I still hoping that they are still part of my life.

falling snow