something like marriage, but with less ado

 I haven’t written anything to speak of lately. Not family blog posts, not research, and certainly–as you may have noticed–not OD entries. Part of it has to do with the fact that I don’t much like where I am in my life right now. It’s easier to deal with everything by ignoring it, an approach that certainly would have appalled me at a more philosophical point in my life. But that is not now. Now, right now, is 40+ hours a week at work, part time school, and full time dealing with the complicatedness of trying to eke out a livable situation in my poly household. Now is serving slovenly, ungrateful customers with false senses of entitlement. Now is pointedly ignoring all the awful things a choice few of my coworkers broadcast about me every chance they get. Now is trying to sort out my ever-complex relationship with Nick. 

The worst part? 

I don’t really want to do any of it. I still have goals, and aspire to a great many things, but — 

I would very much like to fast-forward a few years. By then, hopefully, I’ll be in a PhD program: my research is already just beginning to take on a life of its own. By then, hopefully, I’ll be in a stable relationship. A stable relationship in which I’m more certain about how to get my needs met. A relationship in which it would be possible–just maybe–to raise a family.  I find it strange that the last bit is something that has begun to matter more than a little. My subconscious is preparing itself: I often dream of children–perhaps mine, perhaps not–something I never really thought I’d want. 

Would children be possible with Nick? Tentatively, yes. 

Maybe.  

But I have reservations about it. His mental state has smoothed itself out significantly in the (short) time we’ve been together. But he’s still terribly overextended, and easily excited most of the time. For awhile I thought that perhaps one of the upsides of our poly family convergence would be more people to help with kids, but I’m not really sure about that either. At the moment most domestic logistics are very touch and go. Sometimes parts of the apartment get cleaned, sometimes not. I often feel like I’m the only one sweeping and cleaning kitchen/bathrooms with any kind of consistency, though I am told my other housemates do clean.  I tend to foot most of the grocery/household items bill, which is fine, but I’m not really getting much of an indication that my other housemates are as committed to a cohesive household as I am trying to be. 

Then there’s Lindsay.  I think Nick still feels guilty for moving away from her just as she was diagnosed with RA, and being consequently unavailable to help out with it.  Even though we’ve all lived together for nearly six months, his subconscious (and maybe part of his conscious too) still has a knee-jerk tendency to default to meeting her needs first. Is it because more of her needs are obvious, whereas I don’t ever seem to need much, and am unable to articulate my needs the rest of the time? 

I worry that taking care of her, because she is so frail from RA and treatments, will always be his top priority. 

I don’t think I’m poly after all. 

I suppose I always knew that to be so, but I had no good reason not to try it out for awhile. The question is, what do I do now? Last night, before going to bed, I wrote down a list of relationship needs/ wants, not bothering to sort out which criteria fell into what category. At some point soon, I suppose I will have to give a lot of thought to whether Nick does or can meet the things on the list.  His relationship with Lindsay is so well established that sometimes I feel I have no way in. I’ll never get to meet his extended family, for example, and if I do it won’t be for a very long time–how would he introduce me? They know Lindsay to be his girlfriend. If we were ever to decide to have kids, I would still have to sleep alone regularly, because Nick would continue to sleep with Lindsay on a weekly-ish basis. How would that be explained to a child?  And I can’t really bear to think of how the question of my needs vs. hers would play out at that point. If I were pregnant, I kind of think my needs should come first, no questions asked. That he should drop everything, if I needed it. 

I don’t really see that happening. 

And … I want something like marriage. But with less ado. I want a commitment, I guess. A standing legal one. A domestic partner. I don’t know exactly, except that I’m pretty sure I don’t want any kind of traditional wedding, but if there were a commitment ceremony, I would want to be able to invite my family, and his. He has mentioned the idea of a Master-slave commitment ceremony. These days most of that stuff is on hold. He thinks this is because of my work situation, but privately, it is just as much about the fact that I don’t see our relationship lasting as long as he does. I don’t want to belong to someone with whom I don’t have a realistic future.