The February Curse

Its been awhile since I have been on OD. But as I come back I remember how good it has been to me and I’m sorry I havent kept in touch.

2009 has started off good for me. Spent New Years with my PIC and some old buddies from Virginia. Good night good food. The only complaint I have is that it was cold ass fuck. And i dont mean normal cold, I’m talking about that I cant breath or move cold. the cold where i havent the desire to talk just get to my destination as quickly as possible.

I got the promotion that I wanted. Its an office job, not my usual cup of tea, but I do like a regular schedule, weekends and major holidays off. And the raise doesnt suck. No it doesnt suck at all. But I’m happy there. Ive been happy all year long. I know it hasnt been that long but the past couple of years have started off badly and only got worse as the day passed. So I was banking on this year being the year (Oprah style).

Ive been trying to get over the love of my life and that hasnt been an easy task. No no no its probably the hardest thing ive ever done. Its been a long battle, a very long battle. Ive fought, ive been benched, ive given up. But nothing is working. I thought Zach was my saving grace, but God shook his head at me and replied, "I’m your saving grace". I was an idiot to think otherwise and for that I’m sorry.

But I thought Zach could be the one. The thing is I really like him. And I dont fall in like with people very easily. When I like someone its loyal. It means something to me and Im in it for the long haul. So the thing is I really like Zach. I like the way he makes me feel. I like how he makes me smile. I like that I can be me around him. I dont have to censor myself, or feel embarrassed. He makes me comfrotable . I love how its easy. I think Sunny told me it would feel easy. And it does. I can be me: ganGsta and girly. I can tell him how I feel and not bite my tongue. I love who I am when it comes to him. i could fall for him easily. I can be done with the love of my life and fall in love with Zach.

But he lives in Idaho, and I’m in New York. we have a billion states between us but I really dont care. I was supposed to visit him for Valentines weekend. Took time off work, bought the ticket and was getting so excited to go, but now its not gonna happen. Last minute trip came up and he has to go to Arkansas for his father’s wedding that just happens to be the weekend I’m going to see him. Part of me thinks it might be him pushing me away, but thats not him. ANd the other part of me its being selfish cause I want to see him. Im pissed and frustrated and have this ticket and no where to go.

The monkey on back is telling me its a sign that he might not be the one. But why? why when im ready to open up my heart to the possibility and ready to let the other guy go does this happen. Its like everytime im ready to win the battle something throws me back into the fire. Am I meant to move on or am I meant to stick it out and see what happens? The voices in my head are trying me crazy.

At this point i havent the clue of what to do or what to think.