get my shit together

i need to fucking get things together. here it is in the flesh, what is my problem?

so he isnt what i envisioned for myself. he isnt the precious Ron. the ron who took me down 1st. lane a dozen times for a dozen different reasons. Ron who made me fall in love.  Ron who didnt love me back. Ron who just wanted to be friends. Ron who broke my heart again and again. Ron who still makes me think of him from time to time. Ron whose fault it is I cant seem to move on….

The thing is it took me so long to get comfortable with the idea of being with Ron that I kinda got stuck in that mode. I dont know what is it about me that has made me so fearful of falling in love. I havent had that many relationships…none of them successful no doubt. But still i have a fear of flying…Ron told me that…and yeah he’s right. Damnit that bastard is always right. GET OUTTA MY FUCKING HEAD.  It was truly a process with me. it was like an art, a skill. i dont expect anyone to understand. i actually expect ppl to shake their heads at me. why can it be so easy for one person and so difficult for me? I dont know. is is that fatherless daughter syndrome? could that really be it? i mean so many experts and so many studies prove that a girl growing up without a father could lead to a lot of issues throughout life.  inabilty to trust men, the sleeping around, the negative behavior, the dating of older men. if i truly do fall into that category then i guess i cant trust men. i just feel like the moment i let down my guard the light is gonna turn on im gonna be exposed and they will be leaving my house laughing all the way out.

i gotta get comfortable with the idea of being with this new guy. i have to envision it. live it. breathe it. the whole 9. its just gonna take some time. i dont knwo how much time i have either which is the real issue. and the bigger issue than that is that im scared shittless..

i shouldnt be scared. it should be so easy. but i keep pulling him closer only to later push him away. hes gonna get fed up soon, no matter how many time i apologize. this game gets old for anyone playing. i should know ive been on the other end so many times. he thinks im beautiful and wonderful and special and he just wants to spend time with me. thats quality and here i am taking him for granted. i am such a fucking jerk. im sorry. im so sorry. i dont know how many more chances im gonna get with him but i gotta make em count, and get my shit together..