but why/

Perhaps I’m not built to have a successful relationship. No No I’m being for real cause everything I touch falls apart. I just don’t understand men I don’t. and the more I try the more I get twisted around and flipped upside down. What’s the secret? I’m talking to the ppl who are in love and are making it work everyday. I wanna know the secret. Cause I feel like i take a leap of faith pour myself into it and I’m left feeling less whole. Thats not kool. and it damn sure doesnt feel good. I’m not broken hearted and I’m not throwing in the towel; I just need some guidence. WHat the hell am I supposed to do? DO all the work? Who is gonna fight for me? Who is gonna bend over backwards to win my heart? anyone? I’m starting to think no. and it sucks its really really sucks ASS.

And so I look within myself to try to find the problem and u know what I see? A beautiful funny interlligent woman. No I’m being serious. I’m pretty and I can make u laugh. And in private when its just us I’m very sweet and soft and vunerable and quite beautiful if i do say so myself. But we can never really get to that point. Nope we argue and fight and point the finger. we never just enjoy the moment. we wanna bring things up from the past and never make any positive goals for the future. Instead U just give up. U just build ur wall back up right infront of me. U dont even humor me. u want to punish me. and I look within myself and I say why? what did I do? and why am i so undeserving? I made a fool out of u? well I am sorry. I promise that wasnt my intention even if u dont wanna to see that. No No No ur making a fool outta me cause I believed in u even when i wasnt there everyday like before. I always believed in u. it sucks u dont feel that. and u like ALL the others LET me down.

why?

*EDIT*

and now its officially over. But the sad part is i didnt think it would end right now. i thought we would fight and then laugh about it and at the very least try to start again. But I just asked him what he wanted and he wouldnt answer. and so i told him i wanted us to at least be friends. i wanted to try and make things right. that i would like to talk to him. those are the things i want. i said i was willing to fight for it if he wanted me to. and he had the never to say we are kool. i mean if u call i’ll talk to u, but we arent friends and i dont want to be friends anymore u had ur chance and u threw it away. so i said well im not gonna be made the fool i am sorry u feel that way u have my number if u have a change of heart. and he simply said u were already the fool bye.

i know i dont deserve to be treated that way. part of me is like if he cared so much how can he just walk away. and the other part is maybe he really really cared too much, more than he let on, and because he felt hurt he had no choice but to walk away. either way it sucks. i didnt know it would effect me this much, but i just got off the phone with him and now i feel so fucking empty. maybe i cared more than i allowed myself to feel and thats just unkool. I’m not gonna cry but i can feel it stirring in my chest. i fucking hate this shit. I know he wont have a change of heart. i know he wont call. he will think about me from time to time. but he will go on and live him life fine without me. but

why?