Al Bundy

i was fine for awhile. u know going thru my life without all the wondering and thinking and crying and all that bullshit that i hate. i didnt even REALLY REALLY miss HIM up until about a week and a half ago I suppose. but it has been hitting me hard lately. i miss that little fucker so much I find it hard to breath when I am trapped alone with my thoughts which seems to be most of the time. I try to force the memories away but I think all I am really doing is supressing my feelings which is never a good thing. My goodness what will it take for him to be out of my system? what is it about him? I hadent talked to him since a little after my birthday. HE would call and I wouldnt answer, and HE would send me texts that I ignored. I did that for a long ass time. And if I did answer I was short with him. showing no emotion. cold as ice which I also hate when it comes to HIM. But sometime last week we talked for a long time. Not about Crystal or Herman but just about us as friends and old memories and new ones. I had forgotten just how sweet HE is in HIS own little way. and just thinking about it makes me wanna cry right now cause my heart is so swollen with grief and heartache and love. its really overwhelming for me. and even as i mature as a person and as a woman i’m still not able to do anything with these emotions. HE really is a kool person either way, and to be frank I am just happy to know HIM. If only you knew the two of us together u’d understand. I know a lot of people wont understand why I cant just turn my back, cry and tear, and walk away from HIM. I know I know. I’m being all those things I hate. typical. nieve. foolish and the list goes on and on and on. but thats me ya know. I cant help how I feel. I just cant. Now Im not saying I am pursing HIM like that anymore. I’m not gonna have sex with HIM anymore or indulge and share my feelings with HIM like that anymore. I’m just saying HE will forever and always be in my life someway shape or form. friend. lawyer. whatever. HE aint going nowhere.

I was bad lastnight tho. I let myself slip. I had phone sex with HIM. it shouldnt have happened, but at the same time I dont regret it. HE isnt with Crystal, and I’m not with Herman, so I said why the hell not. Im tired of being the "good" girl. i wanna be bad sometimes. fuck all the rest, and the past and the future. i was living in the present. it was just me and HIM and well it happend. so yeah I had to write that down to get it outta my system. I know HE isnt with Crystal, and may never be, I dont ask questions cause I dont wanna hear the answers. And I know I’m not with Herman, and may never be. and I have asked questions and hate the answers. He doesnt belive in love or marriage, and may not want a girlfriend…just a "friend". what else is new ya know. I am a magnet for emotionally unavaible men who just want to have sex with me on a friend level. So take a number boys the line is long and the wait is even longer. seeee ya!

My feelings for Herman arent as strong as they used to be. I still like him, but damn we just fight all the time, and not the way me and HIM used to fight. Me and HIM were always on some bonnie and clyde shit ride or die fighting-its gonna be alright in a minute-lets go take a drive under the night star studded sky and talk about it. me and herman just dont agree on anything and we are both stubborn as hell. it was a nice thought for awhile to think he might actually be the "one", but it just aint gonna happen. Although we can still be whatever for how ever long. thats always kool with me. He is a kool person with ambition and drive and determination. pehaps we will be really good friends and buisness partners in the future. but as of now I’m just riding like Ive been doing for the longest.

but now I am just hoping my stocking is stuffed with a sexy light eyed shoe salesman…and i dont mean Al Bundy!