happy

Ok so I am finally getting excited. I tried to play it off like it was nothing. Picture James Dean leaning against a brick wall smoking a cig just not giving a fuck-yeah that was me. But now I’m a lil excited about Herman coming in Jan. However i do seem to bounce back and forth between the two. I dont know why. well thats a lie I do know why. I’m scared? yeah i’m a little scared. why the hell am i scared? maybe cause this could be real and i can breathe easy and feel secure with myself and the choices I make. we are pretty close and i like it, but he seems to be a lil skeptical about me and how committed i am to make things work. he knows i am/was in love with you-know-who, and he wants to make sure that chapter in my life is closed before I get him all caught up. *gulp* I told him that i was trying that i was getting over it. and i am. i havent called you-know-who in shiiiiit I dont even know how long. I dont think about him or miss him. so am i really getting over HIM? i think so. I am all about Herman i think about him all day everyday and cant wait to talk to him.

however, i made a slip and i went to you-know-who’s myspace page and low and behold his ex is number one in his top 8 when she used to be 8. that really stung me, and that surprised me. i was jealous and all of our great memories kept flooding back in drowning me. i just stared at her pic and and tried to steady my rapid heartbeats. but then i started to think about Herman and I was fine. it was like he was the sunlight fighting its way to be seen through the dark clouds. could he be my new "light"? I just cant afford anymore relapses like that one. If me and herman are going to be together i need you-know-who outta my system. im trying but its not moving fast enough for me, and maybe its not supposed to but COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Sometimes you dont get to live the dream you wanted, but who is to say the dream you wanted is the dream u are supposed to have? There is always another dream waiting for u. I remember shawanda telling me that one time, and she very well may have been right. thanks wando! I just want herman to be secure that I am totally into him and not thinking about anyone else. cause i’m not. but he is-what did he call it? "bothered" by the fact that i still have feelings for someone else. hahaha bothered, man ur jealous and that is the cutest thing to me. he is jealous, awww. I mean jealously can be a bit much but if u could hear the way he said it ur heart would melt just the way mine did :). I’m smiling hahaha sick, i hate myself.

but its just so refreshing to have him to talk to. yeah we get on each other’s nerves, but thats because we are literally complete opposites. but it works cause eveyone ive ever been close to was just like me. i can learn so much from him and he can learn from me. he’s sweet and he makes me glow from head to toe. wow how wack am i. and yet i still try to downplay my feelings cause it happened so fast and i dont want this to be a trick. its almost to be good to be true, esp. for me. i can’t wait for Jan. im literally itching with excitment. I just hope things go well. he has so many plans for us, but i will talk about all that on a later date. right now im just gonna enjoy me being happy!!