!

U wake up in the morning and u never know how ur day will turn out. U just never know if it will be good or be bad. All u can do is go through the events of the day and pray that everything u had the day before u will continue to have the next day. but for me i woke up. went to the bathroom. hit the laptop to cruise craigslist on my quest to keep living under a roof. and shit hit the fucking fan. i told HIM about my date (and that is a topic for another time) and from there he told me about a budding (thats the word he used) relationship HE has going with some girl. Of course its HIS ex although HE never said her name. HE simply said its not a new girl. and according to HIM the reason we werent together is because HE was still hung-up on HIS ex girl, so i cant imagine there being another girl. i think that would hurt me more if it were some new random chick, cause that BITCH aint got shit on me. and u best believe that shit.

but i cant compete with her, and for that i feel so lost that im scared that when i wake up i wont even recognize myself anymore. ive loved HIM for so long and Ive given soo soo soo much of myself. stuff i didnt even know was there and stuff i was too scared to notice. i dont even know, right now im just so numb. i cried all afternoon and im afraid to lay down in my bed cause i wont want to get up in the morning or the following mornings to come. In the front of my mind i knew HE would never be mine, but in the back of my mind there was always hope. always hope.i was gonna win HIS heart and i would be happy. im not ready to let that go but i dont have a choice anymore. my choices are gone. there is only one road for me to travel down and damnit i dont wanna go.

it makes me sick to my stomach cause i can replay our whole life together. i can hear all our conversations and i cant find the spot where things made a turn for the worse. i knew this day would come but i didnt know it would come in this lifetime. i wasnt prepared. our whole dynamics will change. i cant be HIS friend obviously. we are too close for that, and if i were HIS girlfriend i wouldnt allow HIM to be so close to someone like me. i really thought HE loved me more than HE is showing me right now. i havent gotten the whole story yet so i cant start the healing process. but it hurts so much. like ive been attacked by a mountain lion and left there to die. ive never felt pain ike this and i wouldnt wish it on my biggest enemy…Senika…hahahaha, i had to throw that it. i dont know if i can bounce back from this. i dont know if i will be the same girl anymore. i already feel moody and like im slipping back into my shell to hide. but whats hurts the most is

i did it to myself. when i had the chance to stop it a long time ago

but i let love blind me. like a stupid typical girl.

and im so love sick right now, i need my pills, but my medication is HIM.always been HIM

and while im so hurt and angry right now. mostly…. i just hate myself!