butterflies

ok so this entry is strickly about guys. oh yeah hahaha all my entries are like that. oh well, who cares. so anywho on my last entry i spoke about herman and it seemed that my feelings for him were a bit hazy. well after that entry we spoke one night and he said something that pissed me off so bad that i told him that i didnt want to talk to him anymore. that i would always support him and be his friend and when he was ready to be the person i know he can be he could call me. deep down i knew that i was special and important to him and that he would care enough to call but he didnt. and surprisingly it hurt me. sum days went by and i found myself missing him. now this is a dangerous emotion for me cause it means i care, and we all know how i get when i start to care…its almost impossible for me to let go. anywho some days later he sent me a text saying he missed me. then he called but i didnt answer. and he sent the text again, so against my better judgement i called him back. and im glad i did?! we talked about the previous converstaion that ended the friendship and things went back to normal. we talked for 4 and a half hours that night about everything. and its been like that ever since. we have been talking to like 4 and 5 in the morning every night, and ive been enjoying it.

i like him. and not how i liked him before. i reaaaally like him, and it scares me. he is so sweet. and he listens to me and takes note. and tells me that he thinks a lot about what i say. he tells me he misses me. and that he is totally falling for my personality, which is all i ever ask for from someone. i get that nervous feeling in my stomach when i talk to him. and i smile a lot more. when i wake up i look forward to the night time cause i know i will be talking to him. and he is smart. and focused and driven. and what attacts me the most is the fact that he has been so hurt that he has cut everyone out of his life-but me-and he is so open and tells me everything. so that shows me that he does care that he does think im important. its almost like he is so fragile and delicate underneath his strongness that he needs someone to take care of him. just like me. we are complete opposits and bump heads all the time, but its kool. it works. i would never have given up on him. i was just trying to give him some time to realize the obvious. and i think he has. i think he really likes me. i can hear it in his voice. and i can hear it in the akward silence we have now-all of a sudden. we never had akward pauses before. so what changed? he did. and in a very short time. its good to know I actaully had a positive affect on him. i cant even believe im feeling this way. it makes me scared and nervous cause i feel myself slipping away from (u know who) a tad.

ive loved HIM for so long that i dont know who i am without loving HIM. and its neither bad or good. but i dont know. my feelings are torn. im trying not to like herman, because of HIM, but also because he lives in colorado, and he keeps telling me he wont be there forever but still. also because there are some issues with him that i dont like, but im hoping he is willing to work on. and last and i guess least he keeps saying "i think we missed our time. i would have stayed in Virginia if i knew u were the person i know now." he keeps saying it as if it cant be any other way, so im hesitant to say how i really feel. so yeah i dont know whats going on. but i will say it is good to have someone to fall asleep with (cause the other boy and i do less and less of that now). and its good to have a new batch of butterflies chillen in my stomach