my baby?

after being "later" than ive ever been i took a pregnacy test, and it came out negative! and then my period came in full force. great. but on the flip i was just a bit disappointed. what, am i really saying that? but yeah i was a lil sad. not because im dying to have a baby right now, but for the fact i knew it was gonna be HIS. and a huge part of me wants to have his baby, cause i know things wont work out the way i want them to in the end, and i want to always have a happy reminder of him.

i dont wanna trap HIM into being with me-thats not the case. i guess its the same reason i gave him my virginity. because i love HIM, and because i wanted to always look back and have a happy memory of HIM regardless of how things ended between us. in a perfect world we would marry and then have kids. but the world isnt perfect, and MY world is even more imperfect. lucky me. but for that week and a half i kept having these dreams. wonderful dreams. about me. about HIM. about a lil baby. and i would wake up so very happy. so happy. and i took it as a sign, like i usually do. but things are normal again. and im moody and emotional again. like every month around this time. oh the joys of being a girl. ha!

but things are good between us. i guess. i feel a lil disconnected from him lately, cause i havent really been around HIM a lot this summer, compared to the summers before. we have hung out a total of 3 times this summer, and maybe 6 times this whole year. but its hard on my end. im sure not on HIS. but what do i know, cause he doesnt really say unless it is on a rare ocassion. but when its good its good. never really bad cause things arent bad. but on my end when im so devoted and passionate, and loving it hurts. and i have no one to blame but myself. cause i know where HE stands. i know how HE feels, and still i try, still i fight. i guess cause i dont give up on what i believe in. i love HIM, so i will fight til the end. until HE tells me to back off. til HE moves on and gets a girlfriend/wife. so i fight and fight while i still have the power to. im taking jabs and at the moment im not tired.

and so my stomach is empty but the love i feel is still inside. and so HE is my baby. even if HE’S not

"are we meant to be husband and wife?

the answer i do not know. of life’s many mysteries what intrigues me the most is who are children would have been.

i guess we’ll never know. even as i walk away I’ll always keep the hope."—–India. Arie