exit 140

*deep sign* trying to get oxygen to my swollen heart. swollen with love. swollen with pain. swollen with worry and doubts and questions. always. swollen. never just happy/normal. but i do it to myself. its a battle i play with myself. i dont mean to i just somehow fall into it. so HE is home. told myself i wasnt ready to physically see HIM. not yet. not ready. so on the way up I passed by HIS exit and didnt stop. just kept going. yeeeees. although i did send a text in which HE called and asked me to turn around to come see HIM. ordinarily in the past i would have, but not this time. gold star for me!

but this morning when i was getting dressed. getting cute, i knew i was gonna go see HIM. the whole time im telling myself not to go, but on the other hand i take my time getting ready making sure not a strand of hair is misplaced. what a fucking girl. and so i roll down the street ive been down dozens of times, and my heart beats so fast and the butterflies flap their wings at warp speed. the sky over HIS street is always so beautiful…always. like it knows im there. and of course HE is cute, always been cute to me, but even more cute cause i love HIM to death. HE just does something to me. HIS friend Justin was there for a lil while (and might i add he was hitting on me, asking me out, staring at me, picking me up) it made me feel very weird. i couldnt tell if he was serious or not. but im leaning twords serious cause he’s never talked to me in that way. and he was only doing it when "HE" wasnt around. it was kool though we were all sitting around chattin it up.

I talked to HIS mom who seemed happy to see me. she is such a sweet woman. we have so much in common its crazy. talked to HIS dad who seems to like me although he doesnt seem to like a lot of ppl. always questions about me and his son. to which i have no answers to give. go figure.

but back to my swollen heart. when justin left i just built a wall. i knew it was happening and i had no intentions of stopping it. things were fine before. but just being alone with HIM i built a wall. brick by brick. i didnt want to. i hate doing it, but i was nervous. i wanna be myself at all times and i wanna show the new layers too. but the wall went up. and i was distant. HE tried to break it down. HE tried to kiss me, i moved away. He tried to hug me. i moved away. HE tried to hold me….and damnit i moved away. i wanted to stay, to get lost in the comfort…but i moved away. i had to protect myself. i dont wanna be hurt. and i know i sing this same sad love song over and over and over again. but i love it so and i know all the words. so i keep belting out the lyrics no matter how hard i cry. fuck.

the thing is we were having a great time. like we always do. and that is the problem. if he spit on me or told me to get lost this would be so much easier. but its not like that. how can u tell someone how amazing they are, tell them that u love them and not wanna be with them? how can u ask me to not give up on u? how can u ask these things of me? what is really going on? what do u want? what are u thinking? are u hurting? why do u look at me like that? why do u always find a way to touch me? why do u know me? i mean really know me? why do u say u can trust me and i can tell u anything? why are u ALWAYS here. why do u care just enough, but not enough? and so i continued to build my wall. and HE knew. and i wanted to tell HIM why. i tried to tell HIM why but the words wouldnt come up. I gotta protect myself from u. i cant get swept back into ur magic. i cant fall again. it hurts it hurts it hurts. and for some reason i cant get over it. ive tried. Lord knows i have. but i keep coming back. it has to be a reason for it right? tell me there is. help me. please. i dont think i will fully pull away until HE gets HIMSELF a girlfriend. and if that doesnt kill me dead i’ll be able to move on with my life.

but im tellin u i cant love any harder than i do now. no one loves that boy more than me. and no one ever will. and yet i feel bad. cause HE called once i was safely home, and apologized for me having a bad time. HE saw how i was moody with HIM. i assured HIM i had a great time, but i dont know if it worked. i blame my period for throwing me outta my zone. i wanna talk to HIM right now but HE’S at Birdo’s house for a graduation party. im probably the last thing on HIS mind. i gotta lay down cause my tears have the screen all blurry. tell anyone i was crying and ill fuckin shank ur ass!!!!