day 14

today i’m torn….

so lastnight i told HIM that i was gonna continue not talking to HIM. if HE called i would not answer. HE said "but we were having so much fun, u suck." ummmmm thanks. what HE really means is i enjoy talking to u and i really miss u. but of course HE cant say that. that would be crazy talk-haha. but quess who called a few ago?….HIM. my phone rang and i looked at my phone with excitment in my eyes glazed over with sadness. it was bitter sweet. i silenced the ringer and kept it moving. but moments later HE sends a text saying "yeah its kinda important." what to do what to do. i couldnt just leave HIM hanging. i mean HE was really pressed to talk to me. so i sent a reply saying "huh" and HE called right back. this time "torn", i answered…

HE started talking really fast in HIS mello serious tone (that turns me on) and i just listen. see HE is on Senate at school cause HE is really passionate about being a leader and making a change and running for office one day. so this potiental case dealing with race was presented to them today and it caused a stir. see 2 semesters ago a simliar issue was brought to the Senate and it led up to the point of a possible law suit against the group. so HE was saying that while HE felt the issue was completley wrong HE couldnt fully 100% back it up case of what happended earlier and the fact that u have to choose what race battles to go after in a prodominatly (?) white school. HE was concerened torn unsure and confused. HE thought HE was being a sellout. now in the beginning i was agaist HIS veiws but after a very conviencing arguement HE had my vote. and after that HIS voice trails off cause HE is trying to respect my wishes of not talking and with a hesitant "later" HE hangs up the phone. and my heart cracks.

the point is HE wanted to vent to me. "u always keep me grounded and u tell me the truth, ur opinion matters." and that is important to me. those are the things im talking about when i say i dont know if i can go without talking to HIM (or anyone that i care about). i know how HE is when HE is truly passionate about something and HE needs me to calm HIM down and help to put the puzzle together. I dont wanna miss out on those things. I dont wanna ignore HIS calls when there is something important to be talked about. HE shouldnt have to text me/beg me to talk to HIM. friendship doesnt work like that. so im torn. i feel awful. cause when i need HIM he is ALWAYS there for me. I want to be there for HIM when HE needs me. there just might come a point where its one unanswered call , text or e-mail too many before HE says well i guess she has really forgotten about me. and the caring stops. i cant live with that. and so im torn. what to do what to do??

the issue with Senate isnt that huge but im talking about the bigger picture. i feel like i owe HIM an explaination, a sorry…cause its outta character for me not to be me, and do things i would normally do. when i signed up for this sentence i wasnt expecting to alter my personality. when a friend, any friend needs help with something i try to be there, if not helping just listening. just to be there. and so im torn. i feel really bad, and i know i shouldnt but i do. i know Ms. J HE isnt giving u what u want, but thats no reason to not be there, to ignore HIM. and so ive made up mind mind. but yet

im still torn (a lil melodramtic?) of course. its my style!