day 10

My biggest fear about dying is that people will go through my things and find out who I really am…

for some reason that is all i could think about b4 finally falling asleep lastnight. its not that i dont show who i am everyday, its just i dont show everyone. i think the thought triggered from some old IM converstaions i came across while packing. they were from the years 2000/2001. i was really a typical college freshman girl. i digusted myself. not to the point of throwing up. but just my views, how i looked at the world was so different, so juvenile. i guess it is a part of growing up. i just feel like i was more open back then. i forced my views on people like a Johova witness knocking repeatedly on someone’s door at 7:00 am. I wasnt as open-minded as I am now. i was right u were wrong. there was no room for debate. lets go back a min-hahahaha-i’m still always right, but thats only because ive grown up enough to accept a lot of things and know a lot of things about life. and when im right im right. which is all the time. I have a shirt that says so. CHEESE!

Tommorow starts the rest of my life. I have so many things i need to do b4 June. I gotta stack some more bills, I have to spend time with the fam, and my friends,and baby Jordyn. I have to finish this interior decorator stuff, and i have to look for a job in New York. On top of that i need to figure out some things about myself. I need to figure things out with HIM, Chris and Herman. I’m really nervous about getting close with Herman and then moving away. Yeah I know he doesnt live around me now so I guess it is the same thing. But if something were to develope (and I know they would) i dont want to have to factor that into my plans. I dont want to have to factor him into my life. Long distant relationshps never really worked that well for me (i tried i did, but it didnt work for the ex). I’d so invest my time life energy heart n soul for the ONE, but like i said I dont think Herman is the ONE and im too afraid to go and find out. So my Colorado trip is out for right now.

I’ll go in a few months. Plus i didnt wanna go with all my baggage. its only been 10 days since not talking to HIM. They say it takes half the time of knowing a person to get over them…hahahaha so does that mean i have close to 3 years? ROAR. I dont know if i can do it. HE sent me an IM lastnight saying goodnight, and inside i literally broke down. cause i know HE loves me and i know HE’S thinking about me. I know HE misses me and wants to talk to me. I know we arent just sexual. We have a wonderful relationship without that involved. Ive know HIM almost 6 years, and I can count on my hands the number of times we had sex. Its never been like that with HIM, although I’m grateful I can be that way with HIM. dont wanna be with anyone else…EVER. and I hope God allows that.

everything happens for a reason. i am so tired of hearing that. i believe it i do, but what are the reasons? will we be together or not? will we just be friends? can we just be friends? All my friends know me. but HE KNOWS me. HE has seen me at my best, worst. HE has seen me be vulnerable and girlie. Pretty much HE has seen every element of me. HE has touched me in a spot that no one else can reach. not because I dont want them to, but cause thats how it goes. I didnt choose for it to be this way. HE choose me when i first met HIM Sept. 2000. HE choose me when i first fell in love with HIM on that exact same day. It was destiny then. so hopeully it will be destiny when…

I MISS HIM!