day 6

so today is the anniversary of the day i lost my virginity 2 years ago. i consider it to be a very special day to my heart. i’ll remember it forever. it also happens to be Aaliyah’s bday. so happy birhday Aaliyah may u continue to rest in peace.

it is also day 6 of me not talking to HIM. i was debating about writing an entry tonight cause i know my friends will be reading and i dont want them to know how deep in this i am. but they are my ppls. sometimes i cant find the words verbally to express myself. they just naturally come when im writing. but HE wrote me an email yesterday:

"you are impossible you know that. but…you are right (first time for everything). I do owe you an explanation, and so i will give you one. I think you are an amazing person, you have so many masks but thats what i like about you. its this idea that you are above the facade, but in the end you are deep in the game. it makes you perfectly imperfect. but thats a story for another time. on to the matter at hand. to be honest we would be happy together. but i cant give you my heart. its not like i dont want to.  im not opposed to doing it. i section myself off from others for a reason (well at least certain parts of myself). I am not over my ex. there i said it. the great ron cant let go. and its fucking up my life, but the heart wants what the head cannot understand. i do love you i honestly do…and i love you more than just a friend…but i have my hang ups and im not ready to give my heart to someone else just yet. i really wish we could still talk, but i understand how you feel and what you are trying to accomplish, trust me. that is one of the reasons i keep saying that i will be here when you need me. when you are ready to talk i will be right here, because i never left your side, and i wont leave your side kiddo. i know you have to do what you gotta do just like i gotta do what i gotta do…and where the road takes us is anyones guess, but just know that i will always be walking that road with you whether you want me to or not. at any rate man you take care and any time you want to drop me a line feel free to, i know i will drop you lines and text messages and occasionally call, i know you wont pick up but its just my way of saying i havent given up on you or forgotten you, because in the end no one wants to be forgotten."

when i first read it i was relieved….i finally had the answer i had been needing. i didnt get much detail but i got answers. i needed so desperatly to talk to one of my friends so i started calling until someone answered…thanks Mouse. but after reading it a second time and then a third time, i got angry and then i became very emotional that night. cause as much as it sucks HE is in my position. when i first met HIM i was still all about Kahwann, and even though i was intrested in getting to know HIM i used HIM to help me get over Kahwann, and eventually it worked. when HE met me it had been about a month since HIM and HIS ex split. so maybe HE was using me the same way i was using HIM and it esculated into something "more" so what if HE needs me around to help HIM get over her. but then again id be a fool to stick around in the shadows again for it to not work out in my favor. i believe in fighting for what u want, and i do want HIM, but i just dont have the fight in me right now. im just exhausted. my body s weak, my mind is cloudy, and my heart is heavy.

i always knew HE wasnt over her but i tried to block it out, cause maybe just maybe id change HIS mind. but now that i know that HE is still all about her like that i feel low. veeeerry low. cause while HE does love me, im still second best. and ive always been second best to everyone. every relationship i have been in ive been second best. i mean i just dont know what to make of this. this whole email is a setback for me. I mean u’d have to know HIM like i know HIM to fully understand what HE is saying. HE or we have this certain language, and ud have to have my memories to piece it all together. it all means more than what it says. im happy that HE thinks im perfectly imperfect, cause from HIM that is the best complimet in the world. i wish ppl could have walked in my shoes to fully get it. but its obvious what i should be feeling or thinking, but at the same time its not. i wish i was as strong as everyone thinks i am. and i wish this were easier for me. i wish i wasnt so typical. but i just cant help feeling like i wanna hold on. of course ima stick this out as long as possible. until my heart heals (which i fear it may never) or until a sign comes along. God please give me a sign. usually i can make decisions but in this case i want someone to tell me what to feel, think and do. i hate feeling weak. i hate needing ppl. but i look to my friends for inspiration. Gena got over "D" Serena got over DeTavio. and not that those relationships werent serious, but ive invested 5+ years, i was deeper in the game. this is a true friendship/relationship and im losing so much more. its gonna take me longer. im just thinking what if im not meant to get over it. HE sent me an email today wishing me a happy anniversary. HE is keeping up HIS end of the bargin. if HE doesnt talk to me for a long time, maybe HE will realize HIS mistakes. blah blah blah. who cares im done for the night.

i hate men. and i hate myself for loving them.

goodnight.