day 4

awww well today is day 4 of the detox HIM program. i didnt do anything today. NOTHING. ZIP. ive been dealing with this headache that wont seem to go away, and i think all the sleep i got today just added to it. surprisingly though im doing better than expected. but then again im blocking all outgoing and incoming emotion so that might be the cause of my numbness.

i talked to chris lastnight and pretty much he pissed me off. claiming im this mean negative cynical person who is unhappy. now the "HIM" situation aside i am a happy person. im not peachy keen nor do i walk around all psychotic-like with a fake smile plastered on my face, but im me, and everyone who knows me knows im just fine. but yeah the words hurt me cause it just goes to show that he doesnt know me at all. how can u like me if u dont like me? im not a mean person im actually quite likable if ur nice to me. i think i have a great personality and get along well with ppl. now if u happen to make my hate list then that is a different story. but all my friends know that im loyal to them and would pretty much do anything for them within reason. so yeah he fucking pissed me off, but still wants to explore "us"

just because i kinda like him doest mean i want to be with him. im still dealing with this other issue and how does he expect me to get close to him if he has such a negative image of me. its not my job to change his mind. nor do i care to. come visit me in NC he says. why? what for? so u can do a series of tests to find the "girl" in me. so u can seduce me so i can forget all about my problems? "no no no so we can have one on one time so I can have the opprotunity to be a nice person." hahaha are u shitting me. he actually said that to me. what about all those times i tried to chill with u and only u but u decided to make it a group thing. so yall can drink and smoke. i thought u quit smoking anyway. thats not my scene. im not a teenager anymore. no thanks. so he hits me up a min ago and was like how r u….yeah im about to go out. i said kool have fun, and he was like "oh…ok, bye." yeah seeeeee ya! please im not in the mood for his hang ups about who i am. cause it has taken me the last 5+ years to get to where i am and like the person ive become. so yeah fuck off next.

as for Herman im really looking forward to Feb. although im quite nervous. im going blindly into this situation. what is this trip for? what does it mean? dose he have expectations when arrive? do i have expectations? where will i sleep? what will we do? will his friends like me? will he still like me? could this trip change my life? do i want it to change? I YI YI! i could ask him all of this but part of me doesnt want to. the answers will come when they come. i’ll keep u informed though.

but yeah i still miss HIM. hahaha thats an understatement. HE goes back to school tommorow so HE will be so consumed with work that i’ll slowly just fade from his world. it is supposed to be the other way around, but whatever…

stab