the storm

im not in a good mood. actually im in a terrible mood. at the risk of sounding melodramatic my world came crashing down on me today. It started Sunday night. Me Amber and Kim sat around talking about sex for literally 4 hours. so naturally i wanted some. a couple text messages, a shower a few miles and there i was…with HIM. we went on a long drive and talked like we used to do when HE was home all the time. we got back home and i watched some TV with HIS mom. we are so much alike its crazy. we sat around like a family then went downstairs to the theatre and watched the boondocks. then came the sex. i was a lil nervous at first cause its been 6 months but things went well. a lil too well. it was AMAZING. im talking bout doing shit ive never done before and turning into the totally new comfrotable person. 6 orgasms later (yeah dont be surprised at how good HE is. we are perfect together and HE knows my body) i was all water works.

i sat there crying uncontrolably. HE got me tissue and kept asking "whats wrong im scared whats wrong." i was so embarrassed. no one sees me cry. i couldnt even look at HIM. HE tried to make jokes but the tears kept flowing. I didnt talk, i just got dressed and left. i needed to think. i needed to breathe. i had just shared this incredible moment with the man i love, the only man i can totally be me with, and i was acting weird. we talked my whole way home, and i had a sleepless night with thoughts on the brain. however i woke up refreshed glowing and happy. i was in such a good mood until that night. i realized that im still in love with HIM and further away from getting over HIM. thats why i was so emotional the other night. because of this i cant really get close to anyone else.

so today i ended it. cut it lose. put a stop to it. told HIM that i couldnt do it anymore. be so close with HIM cause it was unhealthy and it was preventing me from persuing other things. told HIM i still loved HIM and wanted to be with HIM and that there was no way I was going to be HIS friend anymore. yeah ive tried this b4 and failed miseribly. but maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. HE resisted claiming we could still be friends. tried to make jokes, but i let HIM know i was serious. HE said HE would give me time (fuck time im so tired of time) and that HE would always be here when i needed HIM. thats all. thats all HE had to say? after 5 years, my virginity, countless talks, hanging out, spending time with family birthdays and holidays and so forth. thats all. so u dont love me, dont wanna be with me, after all that. well im sick. literally sick to my stomach and my head is throbbing.

ive been crying all day, every song that comes on is talking about me, every show i watch is talking to me. everything reminds me of HIM. im going crazy. my heart hurts. it hurts so much. im just sorry im gonna miss out on a lot of stuff. we had already planned HIS graduation but i guess i wont be a part of that anymore either. even though i should be. ive been there ever step of the way. i want to be there. i want to be happy for HIM. its so not fair. im gonna miss HIM. im gonna miss HIS house. im gonna miss HIS family. HIS jokes, HIS kiss. HIS touch. HIS smell. HIS swagger. EVERYTHING. I feel like i broke up with my BF. hahaha what a joke. im a fucking joke. this is a fucking joke. it hurts that im losing yet another friend. esp. one that has had the most influence in shaping the person ive been trying to be. im not that strong and this is gonna be the test that breaks or makes me. ive failed in the past. i dont know if i can do it. i dont know if i have it in me. help.

the tears keep flowing, and my heart is heavy. so heavy. im so weak right now. im a mess. im depressed. i have no desire to do anything. to talk to anyone. nothing. this is the story of my life. an ongoing story. lucky me right.

oh what a storm

how ironic would it be if i were pregnant