s0cial anxiety (vent)

when i was in middle school, my parents sent me to a therapist. let me rewind a little, i have 1 older brother, 1 older sister – theyve always been social butterflies and could just blend in with a crowd. me on the otherhand, well i would avoid the crowd, i was more of an outcast.

I’ve always struggled with this even as a kid i felt like i was born without the *social gene* i wasnt sure why i couldnt be open to people, and not come across as being akward and timid. it was hard just to make friends, heck its even difficult for me when i would see my relatives, or talk to my parents.

and its effected me throughout my life, even with the best therapy and medication i still cant seem to *fit in* with people.

Its effected my love life, or lack thereof, no wonder ive never had a serious/long term relationship. i cant even communicate my feelings to the opposite sex. im so insecure, low self esteem shines through, and i know people pick up on that vibe and distance themselves from me like the last guy i was seeing.

I always hear from people, especially men that your beautiful, gorgeous etc etc, but thats not the way i feel when i see myself. so i dont take it to heart when i hear that, i always get that question from my family and ppl i meet on here– "why are you single?"

the friends that i did make, ive lost over the years, either i pushed them away or we lost contact eventually, partially to blame for that.

the internet has always been my safe haven, i can chat more here than i can when im meeting someone face to face, in person i tend to shut down a little.

this is definitely a major part of why I am single, coupled with trust issue/fear of getting hurt like i did recently.. sometimes I think I am meant to be alone. that its so much easier to just be on my own and not have that pressure from whomever im seeing to communicate with them, to consider their needs.

It really hit me today when i went to apply for a job with the city, and it asked for 5 references that arent relatives and have known me for atleast 5 years, and i couldnt even come up with 5 ppl. the most i could come with is two. its depressing..

i’ve only had 3 jobs in my life, two i got because of relatives working in the field. one i got because it was seasonal and they just needed the help. the interviews are always akward for me.

i tend to panic a little during interview and most ppl dont even bother calling back.

when i was diagnosed with social anxiety, in away it was just confirmation to something i had already known all along, when i reached high school, i would sit in the cafeteria with others because i didnt want to sit alone or with a group of ppl who didnt want me around, so i would stay in class mostly or skip school just so i wouldnt have to deal with the pressure of having to talk to others and making friends.

i tried to kill myself twice because of it and was sent to a hospital. I’ve never just felt happy with my life in general, I never expected to be where i am now, it hits me even more so with the holidays here, and my birthday coming up. i’ll be 24 and this is my life, anti-social personality who cant seem to pull it together.

Sometime i ask myself "why am i here" what is my purpose exactly? there are times when i just dont want to exist period, but i think the only reason ive stayed alive this long is because of my son.

I had him knowing i was responsible for him no matter what my problems are, he already doesnt have his dad in the picture, i dont want him to lose me as well.

i’ve always envied ppl who had tons of friends and went out to different events together etc.

I guess ive learned to realize that just isn’t me, no matter how many medications they give me, therapy sessions i have. this is me.