Bend like a willow

Lesson: Bend like a willow, don’t be rigid like an oak
 
You know, they say the best way to resolve conflict is to talk about it.  If fact, I would even say that talking can resolve just about any differences there may be.  It’s just that sometimes nothing can make you feel more at peace than a simple conversation.  It is a stress relief that brings a sense of understanding and tranquility to the mind.  Like a weight off your shoulders. 
 
But what do you do when the issue is within?  It’s not a real problem for anyone else besides you and the thoughts make you dizzy as they just keep coming back and back to the surface getting worse each time.  Reoccurring.  No one cares to hear, no one cares.  But this thing, you see, is bothering the heck about me and to even write about it makes me feel silly and doesn’t bring any satisfaction.
 
There are questions I’m dying to ask, answers I’m dying to know, but deep down I know that no resolution will occur from finding out.  It’s just dwelling.  Living in the past.  It’s simply what I was raised to do. My mother did it best, actually.  She didn’t teach me much, but she did teach me to never forgive, never forget, hold a grudge and when you fight, say the first worst thing that comes to mind and if you’re caught red handed lie, lie, lie!  Precious memories for a young girl.  Those were her ways of life.  To trust no one, all men are scum, friends are deceitful so you’re better off hating everyone and if you can lie to get ahead, do it.  She was a Catholic woman, believe it or not, but even if you ran into her 5 minutes after mass she would mutter under her breath, "I hate that stupid, ugly lady." 
 
So anyways, this… situation… that is bothering me isn’t new by any means.  No, no, no we’ve been dealing with it for years now — Or perhaps I should say I’ve been dealing with.  Because it’s not like this bothers someone else, despite as much as I think it should.  It’s simply a reality – something that happend in the past – and we all know there’s isn’t a thing to fix it. 
 
Nevertheless, the thought bugs me.  It bugs me to the point to where I snap even to something small.  For instance, Friday night after being in this terribly awkward situation the whole night, the keys are locked in the car, and NO I didn’t do it, and while accidents do happen, it seemed unaceptable to me at the time.  And I did what I do best, exactly what my mother taught me, I overreact… and call means names.  Did I really mean it when I yelled, "you’re an idiot," or when I asked, "Where is your brain, stupid?"  No, of course not, but it was like uncontroable mouth vomit in the form of words fueled by an entire night of frustration.  And to add, I was tired with a headache.  That’s no excuse.  Maybe I am still a child, after all.  Only children cannot control their emotions, I think?
 
I am puzzled at how I can possibly be the only person in this 4 person love-square that feels as uncomfortable as I do.  Then when I sense they are not uncomfortable it makes me wonder, why aren’t they uncomfortable??  As the 4 of us sit together I can’t help but have the most terrible thoughts run thru my head.  I picture things and imagine things that probably aren’t even true… or are they?  And even the slightest nudge or grin will send me over the edge.  Call me protective, I guess that’s an appropriate name for it — Or maybe it is just crazy. 
 
It’s exhausting to be this upset over virturially nothing.  But it really IS something though and I’ve thought of the only solution I can think of.  I will not put myself in that awkward situation any longer.  Never, ever.  Easy as pie. If I take myself out of the love-square, then it cannot be a love-square, right?  This way, it doesn’t exist to me.  Out of sight, out of mind, no?  At this point, I would rather sit home alone in the dark than feel out of place sitting there like a lump-on-a-log.  Of couse I say that now but when this actually comes to play, I will be bitter and jealous and there will be a price to pay when he gets home.  (Another valuable trait from mom, and don’t forget the revenge part).  But at least if I’m going to look like a jerk it can be in the privacy of my own home, yes?  That is, if he will even decide continue on without me being there and I don’t plan on controlling that decision, but he should KNOW the RIGHT thing to do. 
 
So I justify my actions, knowing I shouldn’t, while adding "solutions" that only bennefit me and I call it fair.  But in all actuality, he will bennefit from this, he just doesn’t know it yet.  Just think of how peaceful our nights out on the town would be without the most dreadful…. ugh.  I think/act like my word is final and who knows, maybe it will be.  For now though, I realize my faults and I honestly thing, deep down inside, that YOU should think of a solution, not me.  Did I create this?  Is this MY fault?  Just a little… food for thought.
 
 
Note to all my OD friends:  I’m sorry I haven’t been able to read/note lately.  I haven’t had any privacy on the computer late.  I will catch up soon.