Like Hell

Lesson: Sail Away….

I had a terrible day. Somehow I woke up in a terrible mood and never snapped out of it. Going to a shity job that you hate will do that to you. Now that I’m writing it down, it isn’t going to sound like a lot, but it sure felt like a lot.

The news came in an email.

Last football season I was the producer for my schools football broadcasts on FM radio. The announcer and I are friends and email often. Today he told me the FM station doesn’t want to renew our contract, they didn’t place a bid and he doesn’t know if we can convince them to do so. The AM station we were on before for several years also didn’t place a bid. None cares about FSU football. This may mean the end of the show. Unless the Athletic Director of my school can beg the FM station to accept.

I was furious. My dreams, my radio career, it all went away before my eyes in an email. I wanted to cry. I phoned Mark, no answer. I frantically texted him and when he called back I said "I have to tell you what Joe said, it’s bad news." And he said, I know there is no radio deal. It went from a possible no deal to a confirmed no deal right there on the phone. Mark talked to the Athletic Director and it’s official.

Last year I was so excited to have this radio job. I made $55 a game, but it wasn’t about the money. I would have done it for far less. The experience was priceless. I was so proud to have that job and to continue working in radio after just beginning as an intern. I felt like I was on the right path, like I was heading up in the world. And now I’m stuck. This once-a-week-job was me holding on to my radio career by a thread. I knew there was a chance the contract wouldn’t be resigned, but I didn’t think it would actually happen. I am beside myself at the whole situation. If I wasn’t at work, I would have cried. I have nothing to look forward to. I’m stuck in a dead end job I hate and that was my only glimpse of hope… gone.
 
The truth is, there was bad business on both parts. I guess I can understand why the station didn’t want to work with the school again. The announcer was awfully rude and demanding throughout the entire season. But I never thought they would really cancel the deal. Denial, maybe?
 
Then I drove home in the rain, totally distraught and still in disbelief that the one thing that was keeping me alive is over. I was on the verge of tears. I got home to see the mail on the kitchen table and there was a letter for me from the U.S. Department of Education/Federal Direct Loans. Uh oh. I was expecting this bill and I don’t know why I got so upset about it besides the fact I was having a terrible day. I opened it up to see CURRENT BALLANCE AS OF 6/30/2009 = $20,309.57   WTF!  If that doesn’t make you want to drive off a cliff, I don’t know what would. Seeing that number freaked me out. Also FYI, I have another loan making the grand total about $29,000 which may be near $40,000 after interest.
 
Wondering, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE, I didn’t know what else to do but cry. And not just any cry, I practically burst into tears. I could hardly breathe, I could hardly speak, and Mark is standing there with a big ? over his head not having any clue as to what just happend. I broke down.
 
I’m so tired of the excuses. Oh the economy this, we’re in a recession that. The bottom line is, I didn’t go to college to be a secretary. I’d like to use my heard for something other than a hat rack, as my old boyfriend would say.
 
When is life going to work in my favor? I am fed up and tired of waiting.
 
I just have to keep on keeping on and I’m trying–it’s easier said than done. I came to work again this morning feeling about the same as I did yesterday, without the tears. I have these "pitty parties" for myself about once a week. It usually hits me on Mondays and it’s hard to snap myself out of that funk. But this was the worst one yet. I’m reaching a breaking point. If I don’t find an open door soon, I’m going to loose it. The sad part is, I was on vacation for the past 10 days. I should’t be this fed up after just 3 days of work and after being at the beach. It’s that bad. Every day a repeat of the longest 8.5 hours of my life.
 
I still haven’t heard back from my interview 2 weeks ago to work with the youth accademy for troubled teens. She told me she was finishing up interviews last week and would let me know the week of 7/27 (this week). I’m dying over here. My cell phone doesn’t leave my side and I check it 100 times a day praying for her call. I need good news. If I don’t hear from her by Monday or Tuesday, I’m calling her. I will fight for this job.
 
I called HR for my other dream job thatwas giving me the run around for months and months, and she said they’re not hiring for my position right now. I’m desperate. I hate begging but life is too short to hate your life.
 
I have a dying passion. My news/radio/tv/newspaper dream may never come true. People are getting fired from those fields daily, why would they hire me with little experience? My old boss from a DC station told me she thanks God every day she still has an office to go to. She fears every day wil be her last. I need to re-evalulate my career plans and work towards something else. Anything as long as it involves a future.
 
Honestly, I want nothing more than a job I can be married to. Something where I can come home at the end of the day and say to myself, I did a good job today, I am good at what I do, I love what I do! I want a career where I’m happy and excited to get my hands into every morning. Not drag my self out of bed. I need that satisfaction and I’m looking for it.