People…

 They confuse the hell out of me. Even the ones I think I really know well. People continue to confuse the hell out of me.

EX: I have a close friend. We both have some of the same goals in the near future. Lose weight, get a college degree. However whenever one of those opportunities is laid before him he would rather ignore it. Like the concept of succeeding or moving forward along an axis that he cares about is just wrong. One example of this, yesterday I talked to him about going and joining a new gym (which I did) which isn’t the first time I tried to get him to come out and exercise with me. He just refused. His exact words were "You know I’m too lazy to do that." Then what the hell. I don’t want to hear you bitch about your weight or appearance or anything ever-a-fucking-gain. Period. The same thing happened when I talked to him about college. I just realized how sweet the deal we have at my company is concerning further education. He has been here for 3 years. Why the hell is he not attempting to get his degree. Why is he not 2 years into it. 

This continues to the people around me. It seems like everyone has an excuse as to why they are not/can not do something. Anything that they desire. I am not exempt. I have spent the last 25 years saying "I can’t go to college because of X" or "I will never lose weight because of Y" or "No one will ever love me because of Z" 25 long ass, boring ass, lonely ass, dumb ass years. I am not sure what has gotten into me this year. I am not entirely sure why I am suddenly so obsessed with improvement. Maybe it is my existential crises over what is going on and what I am doing in my life. Maybe it is the ever so uplifting conversation I had with my mom the other day about how my grandma only lived to be 60. Maybe it is the conversation I had with my friend where I was bluntly honest to the point of meanness because he asked me to be then completely disregarded everything I said to him like I know I have done to the people around me so many times.

I am not anymore sure where I am going than I was yesterday. I still don’t know what the overarching purpose of my life is. But I am going to be damned if I am going to continue to sit and whine and bitch and moan about how everything is going wrong in my life when all that has/is/will ever go wrong is so fucking minor and simple and I have continually blown it way the hell out of proportion. Especially compared to all that has gone right. Am I going to sit here and say there wasn’t a mental issue involved in all of that? No. I had my problems. I got the assistance that was recommended by someone I care deeply about and totally look up to. I had ignored his advice for a long time. I have continued to ignore all of his advice. It is time I stopped complaining about what is wrong or what I don’t like and started doing something about it. I am more incensed today than I have been in a long, long time. Honestly it is time for there to be some positive growth (mentally, emotionally and physically) in my life instead of spinning the tires and worrying and complaining.

I don’t know where the destination lies. And No, I don’t need directions. I will find the way there eventually. But even then I am going to look for the next gleam on the horizon.

~Sky~