If they knew…

 Roughly three months ago I walked out on everything and began prepping to just run away. At the time I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but I was just fed up with everything. So her and I just packed up our things and made our plans and set our sights on the horizons. We stayed. Mostly because of the people in my life I decided to stay. I practically begged for my job and asked my friends and family to forgive me. A couple of months later I realized how much our relationship was not working and we split so it lent a good light to staying even though I wish I had left. 

Here I am now and even though I try to put up this positive front and I smile and laugh deep inside I just want to run. run away from all of this. Not that it is overly terrible but I have done a pretty wonderful job screwing it up. the people who say they care about/love me seem to be incapable of showing such emotions. Financially I have pretty much screwed myself. And I keep everyone at arms length because I am so fed up with being hurt…

I need help and I have no idea where/how to get it. I am not sure where rock bottom is for me though I am pretty sure I have bounced off it a few times. I remember staring at the noose and I remember everyone telling me why I shouldn’t do it… what I had to live for. I am still here if that tells you anything…

I don’t want to leave… I know I want a change. I know I want an escape. I don’t want to leave. I do care very much for the people I have chosen to bring close to me. I do have bright spots in my life. I just want to be happy and feel proud of my few accomplishments… 

I just wish they all knew just how much I wanted to just pack a bag and disappear… and that I just want to know that I’d be missed… that someone wanted me here… instead of continuing to be closed off and emotionally stunted. What a society we have molded ourselves into where two male friends cannot say "I love you" to each other without following it up with "no homo" where platonic love between close friends and family is something that is reserved for the female sex…

to all of my friends, male and female, I love you. Plain and simple. No "no homo" no conditions other than you continue to be … who you are.

~Sky~