Discovery

 I have spent the last several weeks since I left her attempting to explore and discover myself. I have failed fairly much spectacularly.

I have discovered that I find people immensely interesting and entirely appalling at the same time.
I have discovered that I will do anything and everything in order not to do this.
I am bored and really need something to do with all my free time.
I am lonely and feel so much better in relationships. So much so that I tend to get into the wrong ones simply for the comfort.
I wish I could find a job that paid me to do world building for games or stories.
I am not nearly as creative as I think mostly because it has all already been done.
I despise the current state of affairs in the world and my friends’ apathy towards world events.
I have no idea how to budget.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
I have no idea where I am going to be in 5 years.

I am afraid of the future. I am terrified of being alone. I never feel more alone then when I am surrounded by people. I hate the holidays because it reminds me that I am alone. I hate all the happy couples because I am envious of what they have and I fear I will never, ever find anyone like that for me…

I hate that I find it impossible for me to talk about the true feelings I have with the people around me. I hate that some people feel the need to compare to make it seem like a is harder then 3 and they don’t realize that we are all in this and see it all from a different perspective. It doesn’t make what you have to go through harder then what I do or what he does it just makes it different. It is far too pretentious to believe that your life is any better or worse then anyone else’s. All of our lives bring their own challenges and rewards. 

I am really looking forward to my rewards.
I know that some days I do have hope.
I love my friends and the people I have chosen to surround myself with
I love that I have a wonderful nephew to hang out with even if he is 3.

I know that eventually, somehow some way I will figure all this mess out. When i do I know I will rise to the top. It will be hard to ignore me any longer. I know that there is light at the end of my tunnel and if nothing else I have to believe that due to the universe’s grand need to equalize that perhaps the negativity in my life is causing positivity in another’s life. 

I am not someone who is going to give up regardless of how much I fail. I haven’t so far and the future holds more of the same for me I am sure. I have made mistakes… A lot of mistakes. However, I have to believe that all of them are for a reason. To teach me who to be, what to be, and how to be. I am 25. I figure I have at least another 40 years to find love, happiness, riches, and all the things that exist in this world that I desire. I know I am an old school romantic and have this grand view of love, relationships, and the world. That will not change for anyone however. I figure I cannot, should not, change my perspective or lower my standards. If I do I will not find happiness. I know because I have lowered them before and I was miserable the whole time.

I know what I desire in life and I will do my best to find it and never settle for anything less…

~Sky~