Joy

Is it so much to ask for some happiness. Some sort or level of joy some level of contentment. It is rough going home when  I know what the over all mood will be… sadness, defeat, apathy. I can only live with it so long. the withdrawn nature of her relationship is hurting me and no matter what I seem to say there is no change in what she does/says/feels. Everyday it seems like my presence is merely noted and not desired or otherwise important at all. They say to blame the hormones for her attitude however it seems like it goes so much deeper than that. Like truly it is not important that I am there just that someone is there. I fear this is never going to change… that it is never going to end that what I have been told about me being a crutch is so much the truth that in the end I will end up so hurt and alone no matter which direction I end up taking in this relationship.

Her pregnancy was an accident. That is the truth. Not that I am unhappy at the potential results of it but I feel forced to be where I am and I have no idea how to get out amicably. She will tell me about how terrible a person I am. About how much like him I am and how she gave up so much for me just for me to leave when I did… Can I really do that? Can I be that? More importantly could I handle being a single father and doing that on my own (as I would make sure I have full custody since she is hardly able to take care of the two she already has by herself.) Can I be that guy and if so will I ever find what I seek for myself? That is something I fear.

My life is a mess. And it is not getting any better… probably ever. I want to have this romanticized version of love that apparently doesn’t exist anymore. I want this wondrous version of a relationship that is so hard to find or have… 

What is wrong with me?

~Sky~