On Going Out

dear spydr…

it’s been hard without you, i’m not gonna lie. i oscillate back and forth, from one extreme to the next, with moments in the middle where i’m not unaware, but i’m not overcome. sleep is both the best, and the worst. the escape is a beautiful release, and i crave it, but sometimes, the dreams….they aren’t bad dreams, they’re just…the weight of the emotion in them is immense. when i wake after one of those dreams, i feel as though i haven’t really slept at all. and i have found the pillow wet on several occasions, either with sweat, or with tears. some of the dreams, i remember, but some i don’t. i hate when i don’t know why i was crying, or what made me feel so awful for the rest of the day.

and yet…

i don’t know that i won’t miss them when they’re gone. and i’m sure they will, someday, be gone. the ones i remember were all to do with you, or you were in them, and i imagine the ones i don’t remember are the same. i’m not ready to stop seeing you, though. so while i sometimes feel sad and heavy with emotion, i wouldn’t trade the dreams away for anything right now.

i ventured out of the house today. teresa came over and hung out with mom, and let me borrow her car to go grocery shopping. we didn’t know how long it would take, because of this virus stuff, so i wanted to make sure mom was actually covered while i was out this time. i was out less than an hour. aldi is pretty well stocked. of course, no toilet paper. people are so weird, what is WITH this toilet paper hoarding thing? anyway. they had everything else, nearly. they did run out of eggs while i was there, but i can get them next time, not that big a deal. there was a sign on the door that said they hadn’t received a meat delivery that morning, so pickings might be slim, but while i was there, there was a decent selection, still. i grabbed a package of brats and some ground beef. we really didn’t need much.

mom’s not feeling well today. she’s laying down. i am noticing a major decline in her lately, and it troubles me. it isn’t unexpected, as you know, but it’s still a sad, and hard thing to watch.

i spoke about you today with teresa, and didn’t cry while we were talking. after, i did, a little, when we were done, but…progress, i suppose.

i seem to have lost the urge to write. the news is on, and we’re being updated on what’s happening in the world. all virus, all the time.

i miss you so damned much. i don’t even have the right words to describe how much, or how hard, i miss you. i look backwards at our relationship, and i hurt, because what a beautiful chance we missed. what an indescribable feeling this is. what a terrible, terrible loss.

ok, babe. i need to stop now. i don’t have the energy to spend on tears right now, but i can’t seem to stop them. the news will help distract me.

i love you, sweetheart. i miss you. lolak

…sugarz