It only feels like we’re all going to die

I’m taking a break from my flashback series for tonight. I just wanted to get these thoughts down so I can look at them on the other side of this. A marker of what it feels like right now in this pivotal moment. When I think about getting Covid 19 I don’t think about it correctly. I don’t consider that I’m on the right side of the age and health demographics. I don’t think about the statistics. I don’t think about it in terms of a 99% survival rate. I look at it in terms of the 1% chance that it will kill me. I don’t have any symptoms. I have a cough I’ve had since last month — an allergy I get every year at this time. But I’m a hypochondriac so there you go. Visions of gasping for air as my lungs swell to the point I can no longer breathe. I have health insurance. I have money. But I don’t have power — like influence not electricity. So without power, what pull do I have in a situation like this. Could be worse. My house is clean and my job is safe (for now).

I have a theory. And I’ll put this out there because it needs to be said. President Hillary Clinton would not have ignored the scientists. She would have worked with other world leaders. She would not have dismantled our pandemic emergency response. She would not have stopped tests from being developed. Frankly, we could have had a South Korea type response to a completely predictable crisis like this. We could have been spared the worst. But now, likely a million or more Americans will die and the global economy will suffer a deep recession if not outright depression. Don’t tell me you voted for the lesser of two evils. You are evil if you support evil. Don’t even bother commenting. Just know you are deeply despised by the vast majority and your fear and ignorance will never be forgotten or forgiven. He says, “I take no responsibility.”

California is on lockdown. We’re estimated to have over 56% of the population sick with this virus. 25 million people. The world’s fifth largest economy shut down for months or as long as a year? Will anything ever be normal again? Here we are, paying the price for a can that has been kicked down the road. There will be more of these shocks. The collapse of the Greenland Ice Shelf. The collapse of the jet stream. The massive methane pockets released from melting permafrost. The viruses trapped in ice just waiting for the thaw from a heated planet. The oceans taking back Manhattan. Miami. And on it goes. The remainder of my life 30+ years, one shock after another. No more road down which to kick the can.

I’m in a gloomy little mood tonight.