OMG! I totally forgot about my journal!

Wow! I’ve not been on here forever!

Hah! Talk about forgetting and misplacing things!

I’ve been well, I suppose.

After slipping down into a massive depression involving bodily harm towards myself, I’ve clawed my way towards the light and I feel far better for it.

I do!

Mostly, my drinking issues are resolved… I found out I had a heart murmur… that was NOT pleasant.

My knees are in proper working order after about 6 months of physical therapy twice a week. 😀 I love my therapists! They rock!

On the down swing… – TMI to follow, I suppose, but I want people to know, well, you’ll see

Once I finally got my life in order, I went to get my yearly annual pap smear.

It came back abnormal.

Like the doc said, it’s all good. Lots of people have abnormal paps, and we’ll retest in 6 months.

So 6 months later, it comes back abnormal again.

I recived a lovely parting gift from the ex jerkface.

He gave me HPV.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not really a big deal and it IS the most common STD in existance.

However, I am shellshocked and, quite frankly, extremely bitter…

Of course, he didn’t give me the HPV which causes warts…

Oh no, to add insult to flippin injury, he gave me the type which can turn into cervical cancer. CIN 1 LISL.

I am NOT a happy camper, but I’m coping.

I did my civic duty and wrote him an email, like he’ll even read the damned thing, informing him like the moral girl I am… Simply because I didn’t want my Doc to rip his ass a new one, to be perfectly honest. She saw me change and she was very upset.

And it still makes me angry. I was angry enough to drink again… or rather, drink too much. Went to work with a massive hangover after throwing myself a little pitty party.

Treatable? Yes, but it’s more of a ‘test in 6 months and we’ll go from there’ or ‘it’ll go away in 2 years or so, unless your immunocompromised…’

Testing? For me, not for Jerkface. Talk about humiliation… it seems like everyone KNOWS.

And I hate that, and hate him.

No, it doesn’t prove he cheated on me. It would have been freakin’ irony if he gave me something else so I COULD push that finger in his face.

So now comes the process of realizing it wasn’t my fault, that my reproductive issues might just be taken out of my hands with a hysterectomy… and learning how to live and love again.

I’d like to think I was making progress! XD

Eh, I’ll get better… and when I get better, I’ll learn to love myself again because even after a year and a half, it’s still painfull to look in the mirror and go ‘why didn’t he love me? aren’t I pretty enough?’

I suppose i always will…

BUT! Life goes on, and I’m simply marching to a diffrent drummer than usual, and that’s fine.

It’s my quirks that make God love me, not the mold I came from!