Why do I want to hate him so much?

Everywhere I look, I see him.

From the clothes that I wear, to the ring on my finger… to people complimenting my necklace…

I want to break them all. The mere mention of him yesterday sent my stomach to my feet and that tingle in my chest to tighten.

I’m not suposed to be angry with him. He told me so himself. ‘and if you don’t stop talking like this, I’ll never talk to you again’

What? He made the mess… he walked away, so why does it hurt? Why can’t I be angry at him? Why can’t he understand he shattered me with his cold cruelness? Can’t he take the responsiblility? Why can’t he talk to me? Why can’t he be honest with me? No, he can’t do any of those things, so why do I hope for it?

I made my final peace with him, eventhough I know he’s too much of a chicken to actually talk to me, and I thought a lot better of him. I know he won’t read it, and that thought really hurts me.

The one thing I value in a relationship is trust. Trust that you’ll treat me right, and that I’ll treat you right.

A key of a relationship is communication. Why do I feel it’s my fault he stopped working on his end? Why am I crying so hard I throw up? Why do I hurt so much I can’t eat or sleep or really function?

Maybe I should post the letter so everyone and God can see it. In fact, I think I will. Might make me feel better for everyone to see how much of a bastard he is. Keep in mind this was a self-addressed envelope. He couldn’t give me his damned addres, but I know it anyway.

"Dear Cathy,

I first apologize for contacting you in this manner. I did not want to do this over the phone, chat, or e-mail. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past month and I have concluded that we can never go back to the way things were. I love you but not in the same way I used to love you. I know now that we will never get married. I do not want you to wait for somethign that is never going to happen. I made a promise that I would always be your friend and I will keep that promise, but nothing more than friends. I am sorry but I will not be happy untill we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. I want to move on and I want you to do the same. I am sorry  I did not do this in person. I am a coward and deserve all the bad names and thoughts you will have about me in the coming months and years. I only home one day you can forgive me. It’s over. Joseph"

Mind you, this is all cursive. He doesn’t write cursive. Fuck, I never called him ‘Joseph’ unless I was irritated.

*crying* I love that he’s so damned sure that he doesn’t love me. It’s what he really really wants. Once he makes up his mind, when he does, it’s set in stone and there’s no amount of asking him to work with me to repair this… it won’t work, and right now, I simply want to curl up and die.

I’m going to dissapear for awhile… I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t even know if I want to keep living at the moment…

I need to figure out where I stand with myself, and it’s rather dark in here at the moment.