feeling conflicted

why do I have this urge… I feel terrible for it…

So there is this girl we will just call her A. She and I have been friends for about 5 or 6 years. It has always been that when I was single she was in a relationship and vice versa, but we have always kept in touch and have always had this kind of unspoken thing for each other… now that I am engaged I have this urge to tell her how I felt about her. not in hopes that we could be together, but just because I want her to know, and I have no idea why… I don’t know what benefit there would be by telling her… it seems like a really stupid thing for me to do especially since nothing can be done about it.

I don’t know… I’m really torn about the whole thing… but seriously we have this connection unlike any other… to be honest its not even really romantic, but it could be…i have intentionally chosen to not allow my feelings to further become romantic for her. But its crazy because I have known her since I was with F, and F and I actually got into an argument over a stupid facebook message I sent A, so there is no doubt in my mind that she somewhat knows how I feel.

My guilt lies in the fact that I waited until I am basically married, until I have found the one i want to be with for the rest of my life to tell someone else, that I have  (had) feelings for her that I never searched, but have wondered what would have been… I’m okay with the fact that I will never know… I really am actually… I just really want her to know how I felt…

I’m really torn… we were talking tonight and I was so close to telling her but I just felt like I couldn’t… like that would be cheating… I didnt do it because I really couldnt answer for myself what I would be gaining by doing so… I could only see what I would be losing… and at this point in time it was not worth it…

*sigh*  idk