Random

Its just been so hard.  Alot on my mind and its like my head is going to explode.

I have been doing alot of thinking about the reenlisting.  Its the right decision in my mind but at the same time I am having to confront things I did and actions in my past which is hard.  Being back on Parris Island.  The things I saw, the attitudes I dealt with.  The things I said.  Ugh.  Seriously its hard.  Its part of can I do this?  I have to be willing to face what I did back then and say yes I am a better person. 

I was discharged after threatening physical violence against another recruit.  I told the sergeant I was going to throw him off the second deck.  Being that I was physically larger than the other recruit they took me at my word.  So I was sent to another platoon with a recruit biger than me having orders to physically restrain me if I did anything out of line.

There was other things there but thats the huge issue.  Its a wait, is that Josh?  Yes.  I am not proud of that but it is impossible to go back and change that.  The letting people down, the mess that I caused in my life.  Things like that make us who we are and I don’t know, it just sucks. 

Maybe I can finally do what I need to get there and do what I should of done back in 1999.  Maybe I can finally serve.

I asked a friend about how the hell do I explain this to people.  She told me its something you can’t.  I agree and i hope that some point I am going to be able to accept the bad things of the past and things that while they have made me who I am have also gaiven my past the evil shadows of you don’t really want to know about things. 

Fuck.