Ground control to Major Tom…..

I’m not entirely sure why I am still writing here. I mean I know why I’m doing it, but I don’t know why I’m doing it for that reason. I’m doing it because it lets me feel connected to her. Her friends are her and most importantly she is her. I don’t want to talk about what is going on in my life because I don’t want to upset her. Even if it’s just stuff about work or writing or any of the other things that she was so incredibly supportive of. I feel like I, as an individual, no longer belong here. These thoughts bother me, because right now I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Eric (my other best friend) is buying a house with, and preparing to propose to, his girlfriend, so he is always busy. I don’t really have “friends” online. I spend all my time during the week with my kids and my weekends at work. I feel like the only person who really made sure I was on the radar….. well you know. Right now it seems like the amazing painting that is my life still has all the sharp detail, but none of the color. It has faded to shades of gray.

**** Life Update **** (You may not want to read this)

The reason for the things I’ve done is so that one way or another I can feel like a whole person. I feel like I did not give my ex a fair chance. I abandoned her. And as justified as I made it at the time, it was wrong. I have not let the guilt from that escape me. As much as I wanted to give Lang the world (and I hope she knows that) I couldn’t. There was part of me that could not let myself be happy because of what I did. Does that mean things with the ex will work out? I don’t know. I question that daily. Right now she is not sure that she wants to try. This makes me sad. Not for the reasons you would think, but because I know that I am giving it 100% and if it doesn’t work it’s not my fault. That was what I was looking for, but I can’t rightfully go crawling back to Lang, rejected and ask her to take me back. She deserves more than that. She is the most amazing woman I have ever had the privilege of knowing. If things don’t work with the ex and someday down the line Lang wants to find me and take me back, I would marry that woman before she finished the sentence. But I can’t allow her to feel like she was only second best. She is one of a kind. Je t’aimais, je t’aime et je t’aimerai.

**** End Life Update****

So after that being said and the feeling of staying at a party you clearly are not invited to, I have to say goodbye OD. I’ll still check back in and read your posts, but I won’t write, at least I don’t think so. I may note, but I may not. Thank you all for the support.

Take care of my girl.

Love,

Kyle