Le sigh

It’s like I want to talk to someone about all that I feel but it’s like the words are so majorly inadequate that I end up feeling frustrated that I can’t communicate on top of all the other feelings that started the whole thing.

It’s like I can’t connect with anyone the way I really need to.
It’s like there’s something always in the way.
Conversely, it’s like I’m not happy being alone in my mind/body and having other people be alone in theirs, it’s like I want to be together with someone, not alone.

It’s like when I stop to think, or when I stop and let myself feel, that all these negative things come in. (Are they even negative or are they just so infuriatingly neutral?)

I often feel inadequate. I feel like people don’t like me as much as I want to be liked. I feel like people merely tolerate me, or that I am minorly amusing but I want someone to be attached to me the way I am to many other people. I feel like everyone in my life can take me or leave me. I can’t hardly open my mouth anymore without immediately thinking that what I said was stupid, or that people think I’m stupid, or that I should have backed off, or said more, or just said nothing. I can’t contribute to conversations and especially not humor without feeling immediately stupid, regretful, inadequate. I feel like that’s why people don’t like me how I like them: because I’m so incapable of doing all the normal things they do that make me like them.

I feel like I wasted my youth getting a degree that doesn’t matter and since I owe so much money from that degree that it was a chance I blew that I’ll never have again. I feel like this means that my whole life will be spent doing jobs that never feel like enough. I feel like I’ve potential that’s entirely wasted and that this will always be the case until the day i die. I feel like I will never derive satisfaction from my life because I will always be limited, I will always be living wasted potential, I will always be wondering what would have happened if I’d actually done anything useful with myself.