Moody

I missed two busses yesterday in attempting to get to work, I had to turn around and walk back home to get my car to drive to work. I cried, was pretty upset. It was cold for me in my skirt and bare legs as well, which didn’t help the matter. So then upon leaving work, i get most of the way home on the bus before realizing that I had to drive that morning, and that my car was left in the parking lot at work. Wonderful. Brian drove me back later and we got dinner by my work so it turned out ok but was still pretty typical.

There was a patient in the lobby with this child that just kept making this really loud, really jarring noise. Just constantly. And it was seriously just driving me crazy and I’m not sure if it was because I was already not in the best state of mind, or if it was the noise itself but I started thinking that I couldn’t imagine going through having a kid and then having it be exceptionally annoying like that. This sounds callous, but I think if anyone steps outside themselves and thinks about an annoying situation that they just can’t escape from, they’ll see sort of what I mean. I get that it would be different because it would be your kid, but I mean, sometimes you just need peace and quiet!  So it had me thinking that despite all the demi-positive things I’ve been thinking and observing about children in general, that maybe I’m really not meant to have kids. Something to battle with later, that.

On the complete flip side of that experience is this adorable little girl who’s the daughter of one patient we see about once a month. She has these HUGE blue eyes and she just smiles and laughs at everyone and everything. Just the cutest, happiest little thing ever. Problem is, when you have kids, you don’t get to choose between the noisy one and the happy one. lol.

So my last job, residential treatment, we had a high profile case at one point, a 16 year old who’d been involved in a kidnapping and torture, terroristic threats case. She’d been sent to our place in lieu of prison time if she could complete the program. Well, she couldn’t, and she never gave a crap at all even with the prison sentence hanging over her head. So she was discharged from our place and sent to another treatment because the judge was nice and wanted to give her still another chance. Well in the news we find out that she’s now got 96 months in prison because she was behaving dangerously at this treatment center too. 
First of all, it was really hard for me to interact with her because I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she could be so cruel and basically just disgusting to another human being. But I was able to get past that on the idea that everyone is capable of change for the better.
Well now, learning this news, it puts that thought really into peril because I mean she was given every chance in the world. Way more than the average person would get. And she still was doing the same types of things in the treatment center. I know that it would take a very specific type of motivation or wake up call to get people to change their lives and behaviors, but it really makes you wonder WHAT that IS for some of these people. And if they’ll EVER find it.  Meanwhile you have the victims and potential victims to keep in mind.

All part of my melancholy state of mind, of late.

I’m going to see a counselor when my benefits take effect in April.
But of course I wonder if I’ll ever get "through" this. Is there a "through" to get?