Various and Sundry

dear spydr…

this has been an odd day for emotions. i keep trying to tap out an explanation but i don’t really have one. it’s also been a very busy day.

the doc’s office called this morning, early. they wanted to know if we wanted to do phone appointments instead of the usual office visit. why not? best not to tempt fate by taking mom out of the relatively healthy house we’re in. might as well take advantage of the distance-appointments to avoid possible contraction of this nasty little bug. admittedly, getting out of the house for me is a welcome thing, and something i get far too little of…but still. better safe than sorry, and as always, mom’s health comes first. so. home it is. it was actually really awesome. if it wasn’t for the need for readings and blood draws and stuff, i could do it that way all the time.

before i get into what my doctor had to say (because she really did have an awful lot to say.), i have to tell you how amazing she is. i really liked her when i met her in december, but this young lady is absolutely awesome. she listens, and explains, and knows her shit REALLY well. she is compassionate and caring, and so, so kind. you’ll be hearing from her, sweetheart. she said she would say a prayer for you, and your family. what a sweet, sweet girl. so glad i landed in that practice.

okay. on to the meat and potatoes of the visit. she asked how i was, and i told her the truth. i told her what had happened, and that we’d lost you…that i am having a really hard time with it. she was so awesome. she offered to refer me to a grief counselor, whenever/if i decide i want to do that. i don’t know yet. i still feel a little uneasy with sharing so much of us with other people….i have to think about that. i feel like i’m clinging to us so hard, because it was the only piece of you that was mine. all mine. and i hate the idea of putting that in any spotlights, even for a moment, now that you aren’t here. i don’t really understand my psyche on that, but there it is. she assured me i am not, in fact, crazy, and that grief is, in fact, weird. i KNEW it. she told me that many of her patients who have gone through the same general idea as i am now have felt the same way – some have changed as their grief journey has progressed, but some, not. we’ll have to wait and see what mine does, i guess? (all of which makes it sound like grief is a living thing…which sort of helps me make some sense of it. which can’t be a bad thing.) she diagnosed situational depression, which she said is completely understandable, and she assured me that if that wasn’t the case, in our situation, she would be far more worried than she is right now. we will re-check in a few months, and see where i stand emotionally then. if i am still in the same place, we’ll figure out our next steps. she does not think we will need to – she knows about this little project of mine, and she is aware of my initial response…yanno. a day and a half in bed. not eating. not sleeping. the not sleeping isn’t really improving, but the not eating has. (i am eating at least one meal a day at this point. sometimes a snack, too, but not usually. i’ve been trying hard to stay hydrated, but even that can be a struggle sometimes. putting anything in my mouth right now risks a revolt from the rest of my body.) i’m to take a daily walk (wanna come?) and get some air and sunshine, and i’m to try to sleep using a double dose of the melatonin i haven’t been really using. we talked about the kidney thing – thank God and Goddess for Dr F. she re-ordered the zofran, and ordered something for pain until i can get into the nephrology office. so, so thankful. soon! i won’t have to deal with the waves of pain anymore! well. at least, not at 30000 volume. hallelujah! that really seemed to be the whole thing. the migraines, i need to see a neurologist for. she doesn’t want to prescribe something that might hurt the other stuff happening, and the neuro and cardio both need to be involved in that. i DO need to schedule appointments with hematology (they need to do another sonogram of the leg and a CT with IVP for the lungs.) and cardiology. (the pacemaker has been going off recently, rather frequently. just need to see what the deal is, and if there’s something needs done for the heart, or if the pacer needs a tune up or what. nothing alarming, i promise. i may just be having more afib than usual, or it could be that i’m having episodes of BTS again. not unexpected in my lifetime, considering. i’ve been very lucky over the last few years, my love, with all the heart stuff. i went from 68% pacemaker useage to less than 1%, and stayed there for YEARS. even if this is the last of that low percentage, even if i end up pacing at 100%, i have to say i’ve done well with this particular issue over all these years.) other than that, i am in pretty good health. my HDL is a little low – the outside/walk time should help that. she said my total cholesterol was laughable. 99. once i raise the HDL, we can ignore that again. LOL my grandfather would be so annoyed. and really…that’s the haps with that.

i did something smart today. a friend of mine from florida moved up here several years ago, when her dad passed away. i’m not sure what made her come to CT, but it turns out, she’s just 20 or so minutes from me. remember when you called this summer, and i was out at the store with my friend Marilyn? that’s the one! i met her through talentquest in like, 2011. it was neat to come back here and find a friend i made in FL. anyway, she recently got licensed to sell life insurance, and since i’m no longer in corporate america, i figured that was something i should probably do. i got a small policy – only $5k – but that should cover most, if not all, of what i’m looking at come the end of my life. if i need to, i can always get a secondary policy, but this should be enough for the time being. she came and spent a few hours with us, and that was awesome. it felt so normal, and it’s been such a nice day, and….

to be honest, it felt so normal that when she headed home, i picked up my phone and thought “okay, that’s done, lemme call spydr so i can…update….damn.”

….i’ve got florence and the machine on. “and i am done with my graceless heart…” it feels like my soul is in this denial people say comes with grief, even though i don’t feel like i am in denial. again, grief is weird. time is both swimming away like it’s being chased by michael phelps, and standing next to bear with her fingers tented, staring interminably. the longest, and shortest, 11 days….12 days….of my life. “it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off….”

time kept escaping today. after marilyn left, i spoke with teresa for a little bit over text. she is one of the most supportive, awesome people i have ever met. you would have really liked her if you’d gotten the chance to meet her. she is the one i told you about when i got home from helping mom a few years ago. she was dating my brother, remember? he is SUCH a douche. but i’m glad he used to date quality people, at least. i’ve made a lot of friends thanks to his amazing taste in women, and their….let’s be kind, right?…poor….taste in  boys. i’d say men, but men don’t act like my brother does. i know i’m supposed to have his back, and honestly, i wish i could. but he’s not a stand up guy. baby, he uses our grandfather’s good name, and says he strives to be just like him. but he’s not. he’s so much like dad it makes me want to throw up on the regular. i hate saying that about my brother, but it’s the honest to God and Goddess truth. ahem. anyway. teresa. she is really helping me out so much more than she knows, and i know you’d have been happy about that, too. you know she is my connect right? she’s the reason i know how to make the things i told you about, and the ones i’d have made for you, too. she had cancer not that long ago, and really learned the benefits, so when i expressed interest, she actually volunteered to taste test the things i made. i think i made her happy most of the time during those experimental times. heh. even if i didn’t, then, i do now! you’d have liked my CBD bread. it does not suck, much like 6 underground. heh

you know, it is way past bedtime. i don’t want anything to do with bed tonight, though. i have a mindful, and i don’t want to give it the chance to let shit out without permission. sometimes, those dreams are a little too much for me. i wake up hyperventilating, and in ugly cry mode…which is NEVER a good combination…

…-time passes, as i contemplate the death and mutilation of my neighbors, and try to answer all the messages and texts. make them go away, kay? thanks.-

tonight, i’m drinking mom’s wine. it’s awful. LOL i should buy myself some wine. eh. i already pay for hers. might as well drink it. whatever. i’ll get more. it helps, sometimes. i won’t crawl to the bottom of the gallon, i promise…but two big glasses are absolutely in order here. especially when i fill you in on what happened this evening. i know this one’s long. i try to do multiple daily, because so much happens, and i feel so many things, but that just wasn’t in the cards today. sadly. because today was eventful as hell, as far as what i need to update YOU on.

moving right along. mom went to bed early, because she really hadn’t slept much last night. i’m glad. i needed the time to myself.

i asked for a bunch of movie recommendations. I KNOW, RIGHT? craziness. everyone who knows me well is like pffffft don’t bother, she won’t. except wenda. she recognizes how extraordinary it is that i watched anything anyone recommended to me (she doesn’t know it was you. she keeps her mouth firmly closed when it comes to you and my feelings about you.) and this woman. she was like THiS ONE AND tHiS OnE aNd THis One WAtCh THEM NOW. lol!! many people followed suit. i have plenty to watch now. LOL

…and then i got a message from India.

so…..you know…how we both are about vulnerability? very similar, i’m afraid. i don’t like to be vulnerable. i try not to be. i overanalyze E V E R Y T H I N G. i overthink everything. i don’t want to appear weak, or wanting, or somehow incapable. in any way. HAHAHHAAHAHAJSDVJHGACSJH remember our first date? LMAO!!! you poor thing. i’m so glad you stuck THAT out. hahahhaaa. “i can get the door…don’t worry.” “no, thanks, i got it.” “nope, i’m good.” hahahahahaaaaaaaa. you finally grabbed my hand as we went through the sound-room’s doors, and said “i’m sure you CAN, and i respect your independence…BUT. with ME. you will never ever NEED to do it alone. whatever IT happens to be. let me.”  HASHTAG SO MANY HEART EMOJIS. damnit, you romantic soul, you. that won me the fuck over. ahem. anyway. (i am only trying to stall, not avoid, calm down.)

fine i’ll just say it.

she offered to send me a picture of you at your viewing, which i declined, because had i been there to see you, touch you one more time,  (fuck them, i’m touching you. i don’t even care a little. i’d have touched you. i’d have kissed your sweet cheek, and held your hand for a moment, and slipped my necklace into your hand, and that would have been that.)  it would have been different. but i wasn’t. and. it wasn’t. and…i just could not.

while i wanted to see you one last time, i know you would not have liked that your picture was circulating, so i wanted to keep it from spreading to one more person, and i declined. i know it was the right thing. i’m glad i did. because i do not want to remember you any way but the way you were, instead of all made up for a viewing. i remember when Poops died, and i saw him at the wake…and. it was NOT HIM. that was a terrible thing. i don’t want to feel that way when i see your face, EVER. so i’ll keep the memory as clear as i can, the same as the last time i saw you, as you pulled away reluctantly, and headed for…not oke fest anymore. i’ll remember you in the may sunshine, kissing me, telling me you’d miss me, and to keep in touch, and your eyes, and all the things we didn’t say there….that. that is what i’ll always remember. not the wrong lipstick color on your gray mouth.

ugh. draining day.

i should get some sleep if i can. it’s been a bit of a challenge. but i have to brave the grocery and liquor stores tomorrow, so i’d better sleep some now.

i miss you, spydr. i miss you so hard, and so deep, i don’t even know what to do with myself. and i love you.

lolak

 

…sugarz